Andrew Schwab & Joel Osteen

Andrew Schwab has a blog on relevantmagazine.com and he recently updated it with his experience reading Joel Osteen’s latest book. I was a bit surprised he had bought it to begin with, but I do not pretend to be an authority on either man. I do have to say I was happy to see his reaction was that of shock and horror, and loaded with his unique brand of honesty wrapped in a heavy dose of sarcasm. Yet as he does there was a point where he laid all that aside and offered his sincere thoughts:

"What we really want and what we really need are sometimes two very different things. Be cautious when someone promises that faith is a means to a better life. They may be subtly trying to give you a message that may make you feel better, while neglecting what you truly need…to be broken and molded into a devoted servant, not a well-adjusted overachiever."

He wrote alot more than that, but in the end that best summarizes what he thought. I wanted to comment on it because for a while I've heard about Joel Osteen and this thing called Prosperity Preaching. I saw his interviews with Barbara Walters & Larry King and thought to myself Who is this Kook?

I'll tell you exactly why I thought he was a kook. As I understand it he does not have a cross or other "religious" type glass work or paintings in his church as they might be offensive to some people. You know I actually don't take issue with the fact that his newly remodeled multimillion dollar church might not feature traditional religious symbols. I DO think not having a cross is suspect, but a modern building might aesthetically allow for other mindful expressions of peace and harmony so I have to allow for some degree of openness, but the fact that these symbols were purposefully omitted because they might be offend people is offensive to my sense of what Christianity is all about.

After all what is it that we're really talking about here?

How is Jesus dying on the cross offensive to Christians? He knowingly died for our sin's. It was a beautiful gift! Don't get me wrong it was a horrible undertaking- the actual events that took place leading up to his death- were I can only imagine nothing less than horrific! Any believer who has not seen "The Passion Of The Christ" really does need to see it and from that movie alone you'll get a sense for what Jesus went through for us all. It's tragic and it's beautiful all at the same time and if anyone doesn't get that I'm sorry I do have to question it!

I wanted to send the actual quote to Andrew, but when I searched Wikipedia where I had previously shown a friend the text (she had just recently discovered him and wanted to know more) the offensive cross reference turned her off just as much as it did me and she is Protestant while I am Catholic so I don't think it's a denominational issue I think it's a Christian issue. When I logged onto Wikipedia this time I saw that Joel Osteen's page had been revised and all the criticisms had been stripped away- which kinda shocked me a little. I wondered why and how it became all positive and seemed very promotional in some respects. So I did a Google search and found two kinds of links. Some that were totally positive and seemed again to be promotional in nature and others that were filled with HATE! There was no in between, it was very polarized and I wondered what that meant.

Needless to say I couldn't find the quote....only references to the quote regarding the cross as offensive. I watched some interview clips as well and Joel seemed very likable and very joyous- almost like a stepford wife type of likability. What I did find interesting is that when an interviewer would press him to judge he skirted around judging people claiming that he didn't know if Mormons or Muslims wouldn't be allowed in heaven and I think that statement might be what has set people on fire- which I can understand although I don't think his statement was that off the mark. The fact of the matter is Joel Osteen doesn't know- only God knows who he'll allow into Heaven. We should not presuppose to know God. We should strive to be in relationship with him, but do we know him really? He knows us that's for sure, but do we know him? We know of him through bible readings and we get a sense of him through his miracles and through his son, Jesus. We know he is all powerful and all loving, but I think it's foolish to assume we know that he will deny one man and accept another based on our very limited understanding of God and our very rudimentary intellects.

So here I am thinking this man, Joel Osteen, is a kook and yet he has some interesting qualities. I find a world wide web that is polarized- he is either HATED or LOVED or well promoted at the very least. I find that a trusted source for me- Andrew Schwab is wary of his message and I am in no hurry to learn more about him yet I can't say he is wrong in what I do know, which brings me back to the question:

What is it that we're really talking about here?

This is the main reason why I have reservations about other Christians and other denominations. This is why I am being very careful in my walk. I spent a great deal of time away from God due to the ways of churches and religions and if I learned anything from this brief exploration into the subject of Joel Osteen I've learned that maybe Andrew Schwab is right to be wary and I am right to be careful. Something is amidst here, even if I don't know what it is.

One Will Stay & One Will Go

Lately I've been concentrating on my faith ALOT....or at least alot for me!!

I've been buying and reading books- more buying than reading.....can't keep up actually. God is guiding me in such a way that I am finding links and interesting facts and ideas so much quicker than I can absorb them so I will send away for a book even though I have 5 others to read with the idea that I will get to them all eventually.

Stay with me here:

My little cousin came over this weekend- we planned to hang out and decorate my house for Christmas and we were going to make bread from scratch! On Black Friday I went out at 4am and got a really good deal on a Kitchen aid mixer. Something that normally would cost me $400 I got for $100- I never take part in after Thanksgiving Holiday Sales, but this one I had to try for and happily I was in and out in 20 minutes and all was right in my world. No one where I shopped got trampled and/or got in fights- at least not in the 20 minutes I was there. I really despise how people become UGLY at the holidays. Thus my never taking part, but this was a deal that made me get up and I was and am very happy with my purchase.

Well that was a bit of blabbing- wasn't it. OK back to the story. She came over and we moved furniture and decorated the tree with my Mom's decorations. This is my first Christmas without my mom and I've been having a hard time about it. All these holidays are hard for me- I'm without my family and it SUCKS!

While she was over she informed me she was sort of seeing someone and she was torn a bit about having sex with him. She said every week she goes to church makes her think more and more about these kinds of decisions. She asked me what I thought. I didn't know what to say to her without sounding like a hypocrite- I was not faithful for so very long.....needless to say I am not a virgin. I told her that I tried it my way for years and it didn't work so now I was going to try it God's way. I told her I had recently decided that from now on I was going to try and limit my dating to only Christian guys, and that if I find myself in a relationship that involves sex that the temptation must have been too great and broken through prayers for strength on both sides. I told her I thought that dating a non-christian put her into a situation where she could be the only one trying to resist the temptation.

This is all theory to me at the moment- I am not seeing anyone so I haven't had to really live with the temptation.

In the end I told her that she needed to think about how she was going to go about living with her decision. She needed to think about how God and her future husband would think about her sleeping with this guy. Shortly after this talk she received a call from a friend offering some $$ in exchange for baby sitting. She needs money at the moment so she went- knowing she'd miss church this week and wouldn't you know it when I was at mass the message seemed to perfectly address temptations of the flesh. The message stated we need to live how God wants us to live because when Christ comes again two men will be plowing in the field- one will be living as God wanted him to and is prepared and the other is not. Another analogy was given for two women. One will stay and one will go with Christ.

WOW!!!

The devil through this baby sitting job prevented my cousin from hearing God's message to her about what she was struggling with. Of course I told her all about the readings- and hopefully she received the message into her heart even though she didn't make it to church. Hopefully we will both be ready when Christ returns and go with him to heaven. This is the kind of thing that's been happening to me so much these days. I feel God's guidance and presence in my life in very obvious ways- just like this situation. It's a honor for me to be used to deliver his message!

Birthdays and Forgiveness

So it was my birthday yesterday. I decided on a few things for the day:

1- I would take the day off from work to avoid any irritation on "My Day"
2- I would sleep in
3- I would get my Tattoo done
4- I would get my hair done
5- I would have dinner with my mom's boyfriend- it's his birthday too

So I did take the day off and I don't regret it although I did have to skip a meeting with Moby which would have been super cool. Se La Vie! I did sleep in and it was just the way to start the day- truly rested! I went to get my Tattoo done at the place where I got my first and found that it had burnt down- SHOCK led to OK I'll re-route and get it done closer to where I live now. I moved on to get my hair done and then met up with my mom's boyfriend- which is an understatement of sorts. This man is actually my brothers' father. He was the love of my mother's life- her words. They never married, but they first met when she was 7 or 8 months pregnant with me. They had a life long relationship and I hated him most of my life. I didn't like that he never married my mom. I didn't like that he left when my brothers were still little. I didn't like that he came around when he wanted and wasn't really there to show my brothers how to become the men they needed to become. I didn't like many things about this guy and when ever my mom would ask "Do you ever think of him like a dad" I flat out said "No, Never" and I think that hurt her, but I didn't care. I didn't want her with him - her door was always open to him and I hated that. I believed she deserved better, I believed she never got what she deserved because she had this on again off again thing with him. He was abusive to us all and I believed our lives were worse off because of him. For that and so many other reasons I won't get into I despised this man and everything he did to my family.

For my birthday I forgave him. I did not tell him I forgave him because that's between me and God.....but my having a B-day dinner at all with him should have been a clue to anyone who knows me. I have made that decision and I intend to try my best to live that out- because that's what God wants for me- to give away hate and embrace forgiveness. So on my birthday and his that's what I did- I even invited him to Thanksgiving Dinner- my second SHOCK of the day.

After dinner I drove to the Tattoo place close to my house and found that it was closed so I went home and watched Dancing with the Stars - I guess I'll have to get my Tattoo done some other day.

National Novel Writing Month

Yup it exists- Weird how things happen everyday in this country and yet one can be oblivious to it. I was reading about it and before I knew it I was on a rocking website all about it: www.nanowrimo.org

Basically a person signs up for the event starting Oct. 1- I missed the deadline :(

After creating an account and editing a profile- some administrative stuff- when that's done you get to tell more about what you like to write and what you think your novel might be called. The site customizes to where you are regionally and there are lounges, forums, and local events with novelist gatherings- which sounds like a whole lot of fun to me. I always thought I would someday write something- maybe a book.

On November 1 everyone begins writing their novel- I just found out about this today :( Nov. 2nd.

The goal is to write a 50,000-word novel by midnight, local time, on November 30th.

You can post excerpts of your work for others to read, and update your escalating word count. Basically this community encourages you to Write like crazy for thirty days. That's it just write!

I'm so bummed that I just found out about this- I've been really down since my LSAT scores came back lower than I wanted and this could have been a nice little distraction for me.

I think I'll do it anyway- I'll just have to lose some days and somehow find a way to use the website functions without signing up. I wonder if it will let me sign up late. If it doesn't work I guess there's always next year.

Every hero has a battle to fight within himself

I am reading a booked named "The End of Religion" and it's focus is an aspect of spirituality and religion that I have, it seems, known or felt most my life. You know how sometimes you don't know you feel a certain way until you experience something or read something or meet someone that solidifies the idea for you and then there is that light bulb moment where you know .... this .... here .... in this moment validates what I have always thought and known. Well there's been alot of that for me lately. It's like God is guiding me. I believe he is with me showing me how our relationship should be. One of the reasons I was distant from God to begin with was the church, but now that I've reconciled in my brain that I am a believer and my life and the well being of everything I love all depends on God's grace and my faith. A result of that reconciliation is that I'm trying to be especially careful to not be turned off or turn away again because of religion which necessitates that I am careful of how I get involved with other Christians and come to know and grow closer to God.

I believe because of this thought filled approach God is guiding me and I am very thankful for it. I have been exposed to the genius that is Andrew Schwab....well I don't know about genius but I do know he is highly intelligent and I think personifies what it is to be honest in your spirituality. I don't know that christian culture promotes being honest over presenting purity at all times which is a facade and I think ultimately harmful.

I've been reading interviews with Schwab because I find him interesting and thought provoking. Most interviews are obviously about his music and some on his writings and so reading them can be repetitious, but it does ultimately pay off with some interesting pearl of wisdom smack dab in the middle. I just finished one where he compares struggle with Spider-man 3 the movie. There is a lyric in one of his songs that accidentally lined up with the plot of the movie: how every hero has a battle to fight within himself. Spider-man is fighting Venom that has become a part of him and we as Christians each day have similar fights within ourselves. We have a decision to make about which voice we are going to follow in our own heads which is a simplistic way to express the battle between the spirit and the flesh.

I'm telling you this guy is insanely insightful!

So this book "The End of Religion" is about encountering the subversive spirituality of Jesus. I heard about it when I met the bass player in a Canadian band called New World Son. They were amazing and I got to talking with this guy and it carried into the wee hours of the morning. He was so cool and real and told me how he and his wife struggled for years to find a church to call home, but the one they frequented really did make alot of sense for them- this book is written by his pastor. So back to the book - so far its about how very into rules the religious were in the time of Jesus and how he came along and broke those rules. How his primary mission was to tear down religion as the foundation for people's connection with God. How he was criticized for his interactions with tax collectors and prostitutes ect ect. Jesus was a revolutionary and somehow we've forgotten that! I really wonder if we would recognize Jesus if he returned in our time. Sadly I don't know that we would. It's something to think about.

I'm LOVING this book!

Too Intimate

Since my mom died earlier this year many family dynamics have changed- they had too!

I've grown alot closer to some extended family members and have been given the responsibility of others. I've fallen out of touch completely with some and don't talk much with others although that is more than likely happenstance than anything....you never truely realize how much your parents serve as a bridge to other family until their gone. My mom was the bridge to some many branches of this family and now we are all forced to redefine our roles and relationships.

So i'm learning about my family in ways I never really had to before. I'm finding problems where I thought there were placid waters and finding a new depth of love and appreciation for some who I thought I had all figured out.

In ways I feel strange with these people- who are they and what did they do with my family? The one's I grew up with and who supplied the soundtrack to this thing I call my life. At times I feel like it's too intimate a thing we're doing. I feel like when some share what's really going on with them that I shouldn't be there hearing what I am- shouldn't be knowing what I know, but why shouldn't I they are my family. I guess it's just strange for me to be closer to the action. Closer to the problems and the joys closer to the goings on instead of convienently distanced from it through the great loving filter that was my mother.

Today my heart swings & things are just fine on the West Coast!

I went to see Interpol last night and they were AMAZING!



How are things on the West Coast?
I hear you moving real fine
You wear those shoes like a dove
Now strut those shoes
We'll go roaming in the night
Well, how are things on the West Coast?
You keep it moving to your soul's delight
Now I've tried the brakes
I've tried but you know it's a lonely ride
How are things on the West Coast?
Oh and move heaven behind those eyes
Today my heart swings
Yeah, today my heart swings
But I don't want to take your heart
And I don't want a piece of history
No I don't want to read your thoughts anymore
My God...
'Cause today my heart swings
Yeah, today my heart swings
How are things on the West Coast?
Hear you moving real fine tonight
You wear those shoes, I decide
Oh strut those shoes
We'll go roaming in the night
Well, how are things on the West Coast?
Yeah, but you're an actress I don't identify
Today my heart swings
Yeah, today my heart swings
Say it...
But I don't want to play the part
And I don't want a taste of victory
No I don't want to read your thoughts anymore
My God...
'Cause today my heart swings
Yeah, today my heart swings
Say it...
'Cause today my heart swings
Yeah, today my heart swings
Let it come...
'Cause I've got a chance for a sweet sane life
I said I've got a dance and you'll do just fine
Well, I've got a plan, look forward in my eyes
Let it come...
Well I've got a chance for a sweet sane life
I said I've got a dance, it moves into the night
Well, I've got a plan, look forward in my eyes
Well, today my heart swings

Disappointment Spawns Reorganization

My focus has been so very directed on one particular path and that was a bit derailed Friday. Luckily i'm a pretty presistent person and once my focus has been set I tend to keep on course if I can. As with most goals this derailment is only a temporary set back- a blow for sure but not a total loss. Mostly i'm just disappointed! Disappointed in myself, disappointed in the time it will take to fix. Disappointed that my future will have to wait a bit longer.

Spent the weekend reorganizing my new plan of attack only to come in to work today to find a friend speculating about her own future- with a much bigger black cloud above then my own. She actually cast her black cloud into my sky a bit as well which was a little scary since my new plan does not account for her weather predictions.

In the end I think I just don't care. I will be fine which ever way this thing goes down all I can do is look ahead into what I want my world to look like and plan for it. Some friends who also needed change in their lives and work have made it to the other side and are much happier people as a result. One now works for Paramount Pictures...another for DirecTV... another for Lifetime TV...another for Amazon.com....another for Apple and finally another is about to leave to work in music publishing and everyone seems to love the changes they've seen take place both personal and professional. As a grown up.... a full fledge adult (yes i'm finally admitting it)a happiness with one usually leads to the other so....

I will be fine....I just need to reorganize, continue my focus and trust God!

Sometimes I think I am a little slow

I tend to ignore the realities of my life just to get through it. I know that may sound extreme or exaggerated, but it's true. I've had to live some harsh realities in life and I guess my coping mechanism is to keep focused on some goal ahead and power through- keep going because stopping is not a productive option- at least not for me.

Because I do this I sometimes ignore certain realities even in times of calm.

In these calm days of late i've begun struggling with old struggles and I am a bit taken back by it. Actually I am VERY annoyed at myself for allowing the reality of what is going on- again! I don't know when these struggles lessened to begin with... all I know is I’ve been plagued by this particular struggle and was glad to have a break from it.

A break is obviously not a solution as the struggle continues. At church this Sunday I prayed to have this sinful struggle taken from me and while praying I began to cry. I know that my tears are a pure reflection of my true intention, but I really hate crying in church. Not that I’m embarrassed that I struggle, but because this is my private conversation with God, yet anyone looking over can see it all over my face. I know I can't worry about it if my goal is to be genuine but I must admit I do.

The message this week was about being persistent in faith.....growing in it and staying focused on God. To work toward a closer relationship with him and to acknowledge that the process of growing in faith requires actual effort be put into it. Also to be grateful for struggle because it brings us closer to our creator. I try to digest the word as best I can and look for how it applies to me, but as someone who ignores her realities this can be a challenge even when I think I am listening and understanding.

I haven't figured out if what I am about to write is really true, the main reason why I named this blog "thoughts in progress", but IF it is I think my struggles are now being used by God to reaffirm messages to me- one's he really wants me to hear.

I was reading an interview with Andrew Schwab and an interesting point came up that I had long thought true: men and women think differently. To illustrate a point Andrew began discussing what he thought the main difference was in how guys and girls think. Guys tend to think more goal oriented while girls appreciate the process. I began thinking that wasn't really true for me.Then I came to the part in the interview where this man who is fiercely spiritual said he was learning to be thankful, and hopeful, in all circumstances and coming to appreciate the process which is really important for someone who is driven, or goal-oriented.

Either I am victim to some grand conspiracy or God is truly speaking to me.

A Look Back & A Look Forward

I am trying to get into Law School and I hope to God that I get in, because I am losing the passion for my job and find myself rejecting it despite my desires to always be engaged and working respectfully for this organization that supplies me with a means to pay my bills and survive. I sometimes think I may have no choice in my attitude because I see no hope for me here like I once did- I no longer see my place here....I do not see my future here. This industry used to be my everything. My passion, my love, my good time 4-5 nights a week and that's why i've stayed so long and was happy doing it- but no more....not for long!

What will I do if I don't get into Law School??? I don't know!

So over the weekend I took the LSAT which I had been saying I would for YEARS. I think I said I was going to but never did for so long because I somehow knew I should move on, but I didn't want to. I don't know if you've experienced what it's like when you get to be surrounded by your passion.... flooded by it almost. Well that's the way it's been for me- i've been enveloped by it. It's been my life and my work so much so that I had thought at times if I walked away who would I be?? I was stuck with that question mark. Maybe I should instead have asked my self who could I be?

If you can't relate- honestly you are probably better off. Although I am trying my best to focus on the positive I do now think that some of my time here can be considered a waste. NOT the experiences and NOT those that I helped get to where they are.... even if they don't know it and/or do know it but don't acknowledge it. Everyone's got an ego so no I am NOT seeking or expecting any thanks on my way out the door- I know what I have done here and that's all that really counts and the fact that people aren't looking forward to me leaving- that's a good feeling too!

So with the LSAT behind me now (hopefully I score well enough & won't have to retake it) I am now moving on to the next step of getting my applications in & hopefully i'll be in Law School Fall 08!

In the mean time in order to keep my self positively distracted I look forward to my future. I am still working my job. I plan to champion the projects I love the most and feel satisfied when the day does eventually come for me to leave. I am also concentrating as much as I can on my health (new exercise regime begins today) and intellectual endevours (thinking of teaching myself a new language). I plan to paint and write (words & music), read and develop my relationship with God.

I want to feel satisfied and hopeful again and sometimes it takes bold moves to make such things happen. Sometimes you have to shake up your life to see what you hang onto and see what shakes out of the fold.

Open Letter to My Future Love

Not that it should be a surprise to anyone that women in general have thoughts about the man they hope to one day marry practically from birth. I have secretly just like everyone else and yes "I know" like other women know that this fact does freak men out and so we usually don't speak about it- but men be advised it is in fact the unspoken truth!

Despite my reservations about exposing my own truth I did think it might be nice to state my hopes for us here- as a sort of wish list. You know the kind that some people put together around New Years: A wish list for the following year. #1 Lose so many pounds #2 Take that trip to Ireland #3 Begin that project.....whatever the circumstances that shape individual lists my point is people make wish lists. I was reminded recently that lists keep people focused on what is important to them - what they really want in life. So that leads me back to this open letter because it's you, my love, that I really do want in my life and I do so need to focus on that because up until this point I've kind of been trusting that one day we would just happen upon one another.

I thought all I had to do was be patient and trust that God would send you my way. I was recently reading a blog from someone I admire and it reminded me that I need to set out in the direction of my intended destination. This should have been on the forefront of my mind as one of my strongest beliefs in life is that if you don't make life happen, life will happen to you. It seems in love I have been letting life happen to me. In my attempt to be patient and not appear desperate I have dated haphazardly giving it a go with men (guys, boys) I not so much chose really but more like happened upon.

What is so wrong with that??

I don't know except I haven't found you doing it that way. I want to love you passionately and I want to be loved passionately in return. I want to connect and be understood and to understand and find myself loving you and you loving me in light of and despite that understanding.........but men are a mystery to me! Finding you is with out a doubt the hardest challenge I've attempted in my life.

I did not take the route of so many women who go from boyfriend to boyfriend to boyfriend. I always thought being that open to the possibilities actually translated into slutty behavior in most cases. So I continue alone and that's OK for now, but I don't want isolation the rest of my life. I know you are deliciously intelligent, openly creative, passionate about your integrity and reliably practical and when I say practical I do not mean boring or boxed in to unnecessary boundaries, because we both know boundaries are self imposed and although it can be hard to do- boundaries are movable. We are in control as much in setting them as we are in removing them.

Where are you my love?

Are you younger than me? Are you shorter than me? Are you among these types of guys I usually do not picture myself with? Do I need to be convinced to take a second look? If so I hope your the type of guy who can and will bring about that mind shift for me to truly see you. I am not ignorant enough to presuppose that I am perfect. I maybe keeping you away for the same types of reasons. I hope my olive skin does not stop you from truly seeing me. I hope to also lose a few pounds to make you truly happy with your choice, but it's hard because along with the more slender body comes the constant need to be on edge with men. I hate cat calls and breast stares and it wasn't so long ago that I got them on an irritatingly regular basis.

Why do guys do that?

So here I am trying to search for a my future love in a sea of men that confuse me- would I recognize you if you were right in front of me? I don't know that I would and I'm tortured by that thought. Have we met already?Have we missed our chance? I hope not and I guess if this letter turns out to be anything more than rhetorical- this is where I hope you're not freaked out by my rant! I hope that you care for me despite of myself and my neurotic behavior because that in fact will be the proof that God did answer my prayers and yours too.......and yes I am a dork and so are you so give up the smooches already! ;)

My God Daughter

So my God-Daughter is set against me getting any more Tattoo's. She's 7 and shreaks whenever she discovers someone she knows has a Tattoo. I really took a beating when I told her I was getting a new one, but she's such a cute kid I really didn't mind it. She also has a fit if anyone smokes in front of her and she pleads for them to stop saying "It's Really Really Bad"! She wags her cute little finger and looks at you seriously as she tries to make you promise not to get that Tattoo or smoke that cigarette ever again.

The thing is she lives in this amazing little world she's somehow created for herself. She's very much the artist. She moves from one art project to the next with such untarnished creativity- you remember that right?.... when you were a kid and hadn't yet been told negative things like: 'you can't do this or that', 'your not good at this or that' or 'that idea sucked' sadly not just by other kids. Oh how our society fails to truely nuture our children.

As we grow older we inevitably grow more self conscious in what you do. We begin to censor ourselves when the truth is maybe the trick is to not listen to those nay sayers- that is probably the better route to go. That way you never stop running around like a crazy banshee- because it's more fun than caring how dirty you are despite how much fun your having. Reject those voices that tell you to do things a certain way- the acceptable way. Most of us do abandon what's fun for what's acceptable and it's sad really. Kids don't know that they don't have to conform. We put them in school where they learn to become responsible citizens. School along with everyone else in our society- including ourselves- slowly but surely train our young to conform to societal convention. It's necessary but at the same time sad if you really think about it.

Well that process hasn't really started in a major way for her yet and I LOVE it!! She's so caring that she'll wag her little finger at you and really mean what she is saying and I laugh a little inside everytime because this is serious business to her. I watch her play with her friends and do art projects with her glue gun and dance to some ridiculous song called "Lean Like a Cholo". I let her hug me as long as she wants and we are going to Sea World for her Birthday next month, but I will get my Tattoo cause as cute as she is-- i'm a grown up Damn It and i'll do what I want.

New Tattoo

I am getting a new Tattoo!!!

It's been YEARS since I got my last one. The thing is that when I got my first I felt like I really wanted another one right away- they say Tattoo's are addictive and I think somehow they are. So I waited, but I did get a second one and that one, now, I think is silly. Actually this 3rd one I am thinking of getting as a cover up to the 2nd, but I don't know that it will work.

Tattoo's I think are like decisions in your life. Sometimes you feel silly after you've chosen them, but what are you going to do what's done is done.

I decided to get this new tattoo as a tribute of sorts to the loss of my brothers, but I hadn't figured out what design to go with. I didn't want anything overt like their names. I wanted something beautiful and sudtle with a design that didn't scream out the meaning. In essence if I didn't share that it was a tribute to them- no one would know but me- and now you if your reading this. Then when my mom passed earlier this year I knew it will happen this year.

I've settled on the design: white birds soaring. I thought that would look good against my olive skin and flying birds give me the feeling of freedom and peace which I hope they are feeling now.

Fits For Grown ups

Have you ever been caught off guard by someone in your life that insists on getting their own way no matter what?

Yesterday was such a hard day for me- I literally cried for a couple of hours - partly because I'm a girl and hurtful behavior gets to me and partly and more importantly because someone I do respect ripped me a new one for something that was completely out of my control.......and he knew it.

So in my trying to snap out of my frustrated crying fit I asked myself: What did it accomplish for him to indulge this fit of self righteousness other than to cause me pain?

I think part of growing up is to realize when something is wrong and rejecting it. I understand being pissed about it to the extent that you do want to blow up- but let's be real here.....what is blowing up going to accomplish?? I think it's better to work toward making it right. If your not in the proper state of mind to take on that task then say so and move on until you are ready.

By no means am I saying that when a person is wronged as was the case above that you should just roll over and take it. I wouldn't and I say you shouldn't either. Backbone is the base for integrity and that's something I would never want to deny anyone. I just think a total history of the person your dealing with should count for something. Some things no matter how hard you try will not go your way. It's called a "difference of opinion" or "doing what's best for #1" or how ever way you want to think about it, but in the end all things can not and will not be as you'd like them to be. Recognizing that and making a choice to not be cruel to innocent parties who have treated you well and want to work with you to better situations is important.

How you treat people is important!

So I sit here today at around the same time as yesterdays incident and I think we are still in the same exact place as yesterday. We still have not resolved the point of contention....both of us had a fit.... and I for one don't feel any better about the situation. I don't know if he does-- he may, but I doubt it cause he's not getting what he wants.

What did happen for sure is: I understand no matter what becomes of this situation that this person will not hesitate to disrespect me and I have been "put on notice" but I in turn have less respect for him overall and am questioning how I'll handle my future interaction with him. Burning your bridges can make for a choppy path in the future.

Blue Like Jazz & My decision to know God

I am reading Blue Like Jazz right now. It's really a great read so far! I just finished the part of the book where he gets into how a couple of his friends came to know God. It's really interesting how they had to struggle with it. One girl really had to go kicking and screaming almost, but God persued her until she wore out and gave in to his will. That got me really thinking about my history and my relationship with him and here it is:

A couple of years ago I returned to the church. I say "returned to the church" because I NOW believe that the church was what I was wanting to stay away from NOT God. The first time I wanted to leave the church was when two kids one after the other who I knew in highschool made the very grave decision to kill themselves. I had no idea they were having such a hard time and felt really bad and in some way responsible for not being a closer friend to either of them........ thinking if I had been maybe they wouldn't have done what they did. I was very messed up in the head about it and didn't know how to deal with it. The feelings I had just ate me up inside. I went to my church to pray and talk with the priest. I asked what happened to those that take their own lives hoping to hear that God had mercy on them. Instead he said they go to hell. I was furious! Not sad but angry and I thought it was with God. I thought what the priest said was in fact what God had decided. I thought how horrible an entity to reject those souls so overwhelmed by their own lives and some sort of lack of support from the people in their lives. I now also believe that there is some degree of mental illness associated with taking your own life. Whatever the details I was angry and well on my way to rejecting God.

Many other reasons added to the list and I did eventually stop going to church and not only that..... I also tried to stop believing. I called myself an Atheist for years......but I live in California and when we had a rather large earthquake I found myself praying to God in the middle of all the shaking. That's when I should have realized that no matter how strongly I professed to be an Atheist I wasn't. At the core of me I believed. So I changed into an Agnostic for years until I finally submitted to the will of God and returned to him. What influenced my decision the most has been the most HORRIFIC run of deaths in my life or anyone's life for that matter. No one i've known outside my family has had this many deaths happen like this. My mother's passing this year makes 8 family members since 1999. If you do the math that is one a year. Both my brothers are also among the ones who have passed. It's been the most heart wrenching time of my life and we're all a bit paranoid in my family now. Anyone coughs and we all get nervous these days.

Forced to look at my own belief system because of the loss of my loved ones I have decided that despite all those reasons for rejecting God I don't. I believe my brothers and mother are with God. Despite anyone's thoughts that my brother Daniel is burning in hell for taking his own life I believe God loves him and knew he wasn't in any proper state of mind. God knows Danny's heart and knows he believed in and loves his creator. I believe I will see my brother again in Heaven. I believe my brother Raymond who had Muscular Distrophy will also be waiting for me in Heaven. He suffered so much with his illness here on earth. He lived his own hell on earth and although he said the Devil had a strong hold on him he believed in God and had a few regular praying partners- some Mormons, some Born Again Christians and some friends and family. Whatever faith denomination-- Ray believed as I believe God accepts prayers and it doesn't matter what church you subscribe to. My mother also believed in God and prayed on a very regular basis. She was not perfect and some might say her having 3 children out of wedlock denies her a place in heaven, but she loves God and he knew her heart. I believe he is the only one to judge all earthly action. I believe he forgave her sins as he did my brothers and they all wait for me in heaven. I am not brain washed I don't believe everyone goes to heaven, but I believe and pray that my brothers and mother are waiting for me there.

So yes this is the reason I came back to the church. I came back to church to be closer to God and believe one day I will see my family again. They are in heaven simply because......they believed and that's where I hope to go to be reunited with them. So like the girl in Blue Like Jazz who had stuggled with becoming a Christian. I believe God has persued me and I may be wore out from the struggle but he is with me and i'm trying everyday to accept and live his will.

A Moment of Pause

Ever felt that moment of Pause when you just get in a fight with someone you love and you walk out the door only to think I should go back in there and make this right or think what am I leaving for. I have and it's interesting to me because nothing good has come of that pause!

The weekend before my mom died that very thing happened. We got in a silly fight and I left. She said she really wish I wouldn't go but I did and on my way home I had that moment of pause, but I was tired and irritated and ignored my instinct and went anyway. I really wish I didn't. The week before my brother died I was on the phone with my Mom and I heard him in the back ground. Is that my sister? Tell her to come over this weekend I want to spend some time with her. I could have driven over that night. He didn't ask and so I didn't, but now I wish I had. The day a great love in my life and I broke up we had a very tense, long and silent drive home where I could have said something.... anything to clear the air. I don't know if it would have made a difference but I didn't do it and of course the situation ran it's course. My best friend for many years and I were driving home from a day out together. She was making some really careless statements to me. Some that felt more like they could have come from some rude person who just met me not a best friend of 10+ years. I sat there in silent insistence that she apologize instead of saying how hurt I really was. I got a couple calls on my cell phone with her apology, but I didn't call her back and the moment was there too. I get it every once in a while when I miss her. I want to call and I don't mostly because she hasn't either.

I wonder if the pause is God giving you a choice. A fork in the road. Take this road or that, but either way your life will forever be changed! I think it might be....because I have no other explanation for it. I've felt it so strongly so that I have recognized the moment and have chosen each and everytime to do or not do what i've done. It sucks! I think i've failed more than made the right choices.

When those moments come around again will I be afraid to move? I hope i'll act with my heart.....and I hope that whatever I do that it will be good enough for me.

Virginia Lopez Ramirez

Tomarrow will be exactly one month that I got a call at work that my mom was being taken to the hospital. She's gone now and I don't know what to do with myself.

Beautifully True Statements

I really hate those pass along emails. Not the ones that are clearly spam from companies, but the ones you recieve from your own friends that are cute, but let's be honest they clog up your email and aren't anything you really need to read. It usually tells you to send it on to 5 other friends or else you'll have bad luck or something silly like that.

I recently recieved this one from my cousin who is notorious for send me "those kinds" of email chain letters so I almost deleted it straight away. I'm glad that I didn't .....This one was a little different with some real pearls of wisdom!

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

I think I really needed to see these words!!

I reflect upon a recent blog about a past love and think that most of these pearls of wisdom could have really helped me that night when the pain and hurt rushed back so intimately that it felt as if I was reliving the trama all over again. Maybe it could have helped, but I don't know for sure. Sometimes it's more about hearing something that you need to exactly when your open to really absorbing it. I wonder how many times I have known the answer and ignored it because I wasn't in the proper state of mind. I think that is probably true for most people.

But today I was ready and I so in my new state of mind I resolve to try and remember that spending time upset doesn't accomplish much more than being upset........ and if I forget along the way I hope to recieve random silly emails to remind me that life it too short to be upset!

Did I just say it was ok to send me silly spam email???

The Myth of Race

For a long time now, maybe even my whole life, I've had a very hard time intellectualizing the term race. Frankly I just don't believe in it and I don't think the term should be used in relation to people. I had this conversation with a couple of my friends and found that they feel the same way.

So I'm sending out this message into the abyss so if you happen upon my blog do me a favor and think about it in a heartfelt way.

I just did a Google search for the definition of race and here is some of what I found:

The term race distinguishes one population of an animal species from another of the same species. The most widely used human racial categories are based on visible traits especially skin color, facial features and hair texture, genes and self identification. Conceptions of race, as well as specific racial groupings vary by culture and over time, and are often controversial for scientific reasons as well as their impact on social identity and identity politics. Some scientists regard race as a social construct.

Charles Darwin in his famous book "On the Origin of the Species" made it very clear that it is an arbitrary number of categories used to divide up the human species. Some authorities will claim two races, some three, some four, and so on. In addition, Darwin points out the problem of degrees or gradations between the arbitrary number of categories used.

Since the 1940s, some evolutionary scientists have rejected the view of race according to which any number of finite lists of essential characteristics could be used to determine a like number of races. For example, the convention of categorizing the human population based on human skin colors has been used, but hair colors, eye colors, nose sizes, lip sizes, and heights have not. Many social scientists think common race definitions, or any race definitions pertaining to humans, lack taxonomic rigour and validity. They argue that race definitions are imprecise, arbitrary, derived from custom, have many exceptions, have many gradations, and that the numbers of races observed vary according to the culture examined. They further maintain that "race" as such is best understood as a social construct, and they prefer to conceptualize and analyze human genotype and phenotype variation in terms of populations instead.

What I got from the above is that race in fact isn't based on biological differences as much as it is based on social and cultural labels that are self imposed and/or imposed by the dominant or ruling groups.

We as humans certainly have differences- that is fact. If we choose to concentrate on those differences instead of our similarities then why have we chosen the way we look and more specifically our skin color to be the primary determinant? It troubles me that even Black people hold tight to the concept of race. I would think this group who has suffered so much discrimination based on the concept of race would want to reject it and dispel the myth of race instead of lending support of it's use.

I often wonder how much longer we will continue to separate ourselves by skin color. When I see the children of "interracial" relationships I like to think the concept of race will eventual become obsolete by shear force of nature.

What would that be like?

The circle finally complete- beginning with one man and one woman procreating all the children of the world ---if you believe in Adam & Eve then why wouldn't you believe in the true brotherhood of man. Through time and circumstance the descendants of Adam & Eve were separated geographically and grew apart and separate taking on distinct languages and physical characteristics that suited their immediate environment. Those differences have been manipulated and abused instead of celebrated. Maybe one day we'll blend again and reunite as one people.

People want to reunite so badly that they are manipulating their own appearance. I see it as a wanting to be the same- wanting to be accepted-- wanting to be in a position where the doors are open to them equally. Their perceived obstacle- their appearance being the problem. It begins on one side of the spectrum with women bleaching their hair to the more extreme of bleaching of the skin and getting nose jobs. I've even heard in news reports to my dismay about a popular plastic surgery procedure for Asian women that changes the shape of their eyes to what they perceive as a more attractive Anglo shape. Isn't this all just a form of self loathing? Don't get me wrong I've bleached my hair-- I've also colored it blue, green, purple and red. That is not the type of thing I am talking about here.

So I invite you to really think about it and think about the type of world you want to live in. If we all decided to do something together it would change the world. Do you believe that's true?

I believe!

I believe that if we all decided on Tuesday everyone would turn off all their lights. The world would be lit by the sun and moonlight and the stars from the heavens above and wouldn't that be lovely? Wouldn't it be the most beautiful site there was? Not only because of the shear natural beauty of the heavens, but because we would feel in unison with one another- an accomplishment all in itself. Even if some rebel were to go ahead and turn on his lights it would be dwarfed by the enormity of a beautiful shadow.

So consider the above and if you want please join me in my non-belief in race. John Lennon's lyrics for his song "Imagine" speaks volumes"You may say I'm a dreamer.....but I'm not the only one......I hope someday you'll join us and the world will be as one"

Goodbye My Lover

Sometimes I am haunted by my thoughts- unable to shake them. This was the case last night as my Ipod shuffled onto James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover".

"You touched my heart you touched my soul. You changed my life and all my goals. And love is blind and that I knew when, My heart was blinded by you. I've kissed your lips and held your hand. Shared your dreams and shared your bed. I know you well, I know your smell. I've been addicted to you. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me."

Instantly I was back in that moment years ago & I thought I had resolved it.

Damn You James Blunt!

We met a few weeks after I had begun counseling at college. I was having a rough time and needed to get some feelings worked out, but soon I couldn't bare my counseling sessions. I didn't want to talk about the negative- I just wanted to feel what I was feeling.... so I quit going and maybe I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it - I liked how I felt so elated and happy!

Over the next year our lives intertwined. I had never before felt what it was like to be so a part of someone else's existence. To the extent that it was our life together - seamless. I had loved before, but in retrospect I did eventually figure out I wasn't loved in return. When he said he just wasn't ready to have a wife I knew I had truly been loved and that it was over. It's hard to say that and know it's true. We had never talked about marriage, but apparently he had thought about it. I had no say and no choice in the matter.

Why do men think that it makes it any better to say how much you've meant to them, how much you've changed their life and how much a better person they've become because of you? Is it a line...... like in those movies "It's not you, it's me"? I thought for so long that it might be.

He said he learned how to truly love someone because of me, but I find no comfort in that. I think it's torturous to know that his profoundly improved self will eventually go on to love another woman and be the father to her children- be her husband. I didn't know the extent of what I had until it was over. It's a beautifully tragic thing to experience- tragic only because it did end.

Who said "It's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"? I think this is so profoundly a heap of crap. I don't feel better off. I felt and am reminded again that my heart is forever stained and any future love- if I am so lucky- will receive this stained heart of mine. Who would want that?

"I'm so hallow baby, I'm so hallow" another line that rings so true for me today.

Jan. 22nd Most depressing day of the year?

I woke up this morning and I did not want to go to work. Frankly I just wanted to stay in bed and go about my morning leisurely. I literally had to fight with myself not to call in sick - I sometimes struggle with self motivation.

As I made my way out of my parking space and on to the road to my office the news breaks: Jan. 22nd has been determined to be the most depressing day of the year. Dr. Cliff Arnall of the University of Cardiff, Wales created a formula that takes into account numerous feelings to devise peoples' lowest point and the calculations show that misery peaks this very day- Monday, January 22nd!

So it's not my fault??? Should everyone just take Jan. 22nd off and stay in their PJ's all day? Sounds good for a moment and then I wonder what people would do if they did have the most depressing day of the year off? My guess is probably nothing special. I for one would probably take in my morning leisurely and then maybe go see a movie. Clean a little, cook a little and more than likely just waste the day away until the day after the most depressing day of the year when I’ll still have to go back to work.

It's the mundane-ness of life that has caught up with me today, so I listen on as the man from NPR interviews this Dr. Arnall.

Apparently there is an equation that is broken down into seven variables: (W) weather, (D) debt, (d) monthly salary, (T) time since Christmas, (Q) time since failed quit attempt, (M) low motivational levels and (NA) the need to take action.

Well I live in California and as luck would have it today will be mainly sunny and warm, I essentially have no debt-- I HATE to be in debt and avoid it at all costs! My monthly salary-- well who wouldn't want more money in their pocketbook? All things considered I don't struggle to pay for the things I need in life. Time since Christmas.....this one throws me.....I know the intent of this is that people generally take time off to spend with family and there are lots of parties and so on, but I mostly see it as a money-centric time of the year instead of focused on it's true origins (The birth of Christ). Time since failed quit attempt is another throw away since I long ago decided New Years resolutions just don't work! One year I thought I’d make one that would....... by resolving never to make another New Years resolution again and that one has worked for me! Low motivation levels- well yes that brings me back to my morning dilemma. The need to take action--- well that maybe the solution right there.

One of the things that I believe in most is that we all have the ability to change our lives. We can quit our jobs, go back to school, sell our cars, and break up with those people who really aren't right for us. We can, if we wanted to, completely change our lives. So with that in mind it can be said we also have the key to our own happiness. Inevitably things will happen to us along the way that are unexpected and unwelcome, but that's life and it happens to everyone. You deal with your bends in the road and try to stay on course.

What troubles me is that I’ve been caught up in the mundane. I've allowed myself to fall into a routine that is now so unacceptable to me that I don't want to participate in it. The routine of my life is boring me. I am bored essentially and the only way to find myself out of this one is to create some change. Where does that begin? How do you break from the usual and create excitement in your life when you look around and nothing's really wrong?

If there are any thoughts on this and/or the most depressing day of the year- please send them on.

First Blog

It's the end of my work day and i am attempting to create this blog and hope that those of us who have more to talk about than what they saw on TV last night or who their favorite band is will find ourselves here in thought. I want to talk and hear about passions, dreams, and real life. I won't shy away from writing about tabu social subjects like God, religion and politics and your thoughts are welcome here. Be honest and say anything, but say what you mean and please be respectful. We've found ourselves in this exact place and time coming from different directions with seperate experiences on our journey that molds a continum of developing thoughts- We are who we were when.......and i'm a mess of that I am certain. I've lost my way to many times to count, but i'm not going to waste this time searching for a perfection that will never come. I think the best one can hope for is that feeling when everything's coming together- a suspended time set in forward motion ebbing and flowing- as for me i'm hoping it's coming around again.