I am trying to get into Law School and I hope to God that I get in, because I am losing the passion for my job and find myself rejecting it despite my desires to always be engaged and working respectfully for this organization that supplies me with a means to pay my bills and survive. I sometimes think I may have no choice in my attitude because I see no hope for me here like I once did- I no longer see my place here....I do not see my future here. This industry used to be my everything. My passion, my love, my good time 4-5 nights a week and that's why i've stayed so long and was happy doing it- but no more....not for long!
What will I do if I don't get into Law School??? I don't know!
So over the weekend I took the LSAT which I had been saying I would for YEARS. I think I said I was going to but never did for so long because I somehow knew I should move on, but I didn't want to. I don't know if you've experienced what it's like when you get to be surrounded by your passion.... flooded by it almost. Well that's the way it's been for me- i've been enveloped by it. It's been my life and my work so much so that I had thought at times if I walked away who would I be?? I was stuck with that question mark. Maybe I should instead have asked my self who could I be?
If you can't relate- honestly you are probably better off. Although I am trying my best to focus on the positive I do now think that some of my time here can be considered a waste. NOT the experiences and NOT those that I helped get to where they are.... even if they don't know it and/or do know it but don't acknowledge it. Everyone's got an ego so no I am NOT seeking or expecting any thanks on my way out the door- I know what I have done here and that's all that really counts and the fact that people aren't looking forward to me leaving- that's a good feeling too!
So with the LSAT behind me now (hopefully I score well enough & won't have to retake it) I am now moving on to the next step of getting my applications in & hopefully i'll be in Law School Fall 08!
In the mean time in order to keep my self positively distracted I look forward to my future. I am still working my job. I plan to champion the projects I love the most and feel satisfied when the day does eventually come for me to leave. I am also concentrating as much as I can on my health (new exercise regime begins today) and intellectual endevours (thinking of teaching myself a new language). I plan to paint and write (words & music), read and develop my relationship with God.
I want to feel satisfied and hopeful again and sometimes it takes bold moves to make such things happen. Sometimes you have to shake up your life to see what you hang onto and see what shakes out of the fold.
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