Sometimes I think I am a little slow

I tend to ignore the realities of my life just to get through it. I know that may sound extreme or exaggerated, but it's true. I've had to live some harsh realities in life and I guess my coping mechanism is to keep focused on some goal ahead and power through- keep going because stopping is not a productive option- at least not for me.

Because I do this I sometimes ignore certain realities even in times of calm.

In these calm days of late i've begun struggling with old struggles and I am a bit taken back by it. Actually I am VERY annoyed at myself for allowing the reality of what is going on- again! I don't know when these struggles lessened to begin with... all I know is I’ve been plagued by this particular struggle and was glad to have a break from it.

A break is obviously not a solution as the struggle continues. At church this Sunday I prayed to have this sinful struggle taken from me and while praying I began to cry. I know that my tears are a pure reflection of my true intention, but I really hate crying in church. Not that I’m embarrassed that I struggle, but because this is my private conversation with God, yet anyone looking over can see it all over my face. I know I can't worry about it if my goal is to be genuine but I must admit I do.

The message this week was about being persistent in faith.....growing in it and staying focused on God. To work toward a closer relationship with him and to acknowledge that the process of growing in faith requires actual effort be put into it. Also to be grateful for struggle because it brings us closer to our creator. I try to digest the word as best I can and look for how it applies to me, but as someone who ignores her realities this can be a challenge even when I think I am listening and understanding.

I haven't figured out if what I am about to write is really true, the main reason why I named this blog "thoughts in progress", but IF it is I think my struggles are now being used by God to reaffirm messages to me- one's he really wants me to hear.

I was reading an interview with Andrew Schwab and an interesting point came up that I had long thought true: men and women think differently. To illustrate a point Andrew began discussing what he thought the main difference was in how guys and girls think. Guys tend to think more goal oriented while girls appreciate the process. I began thinking that wasn't really true for me.Then I came to the part in the interview where this man who is fiercely spiritual said he was learning to be thankful, and hopeful, in all circumstances and coming to appreciate the process which is really important for someone who is driven, or goal-oriented.

Either I am victim to some grand conspiracy or God is truly speaking to me.