The Beauty of Severence

So it's been a super long time since i've blogged because it's been a super sensitive time for me involving impending lay off's at my work and my deciding that I did not want to continue working there. I made my wishes known in the most sensitive way I could and that followed alot of anxiety and waiting.

My thoughts were filled with - will they let me go....will they try to fire me.....will they honor my wishes.....will I get enough severence pay to make it through school???

My brain was filled with quesitons and I had no answers- I just had fear of what was going to happen- even if it all happened the way that I wanted....and finally it did!

I'm still very much scared- I don't know if I can really allow myself to not work for a while. I am already thinking of looking at some opportunities that have presented themselves. I have already explored and seen what seems like a dead end for two potential futures for my career, but I know this may only seem that way- and I need not panic. I don't have to panic! I don't have to work till next May if I don't want to. My company the place that drained me emotionally and mentially did take VERY good care of me in that respect- it's a BEAUTIFUL thing- severence pay!

I feel like I broke up with my boyfriend in a good way- one in which we can both feel good about the time we spent together- we were just not right for one another- so we broke up and it's ok. That's the best analogy I can come up with.

So i'm back here because I am for the first time in my adult life I think going to spend the next phase of my life focused on who I am and see where I want to go- in all aspects. I want to be smart about where I go next professionally. I want to make more money and have a seperation from my work so I can actually have a private life. I am going to focus on my health- lose some weight, begin dating again, read books, connect with my creator and spend more quality me time than I think I ever have before. It's now or never- it's my life and now is the opportunity for me to get it back on track and make it what I always hoped it would be.

Wish me luck!

I buy books I do not read

I've decided I need to change my life.

Over the last year I've REALLY become closer to God and that needed to happen. I feel really good about it and I see that it's always been a part of my story I just didn't know it and had I known it I think I might have struggled more against it- instead of less.

I know that may seem odd for a person trying to be a woman of God to say- but it's honest and I think knowing yourself is important and that is one fact that I know about me. So I'm grateful for how I have come back to know God again- because I'm not sure it would have ever happened if not for how it did.

Another thing I know about myself is that I need a change and yet I'm afraid to allow it to happen. I've had so much loss in my family life that I feel all changed out- but there was a person I wanted to be before all this loss and I never quite made it there.

I wanted to be an intellectual- a world traveler, amateur musician and writer. Simply put I wanted to be an interesting person- and who I've become is a responsible person with a boring life. I fantasize about life adventures filled with interesting people and books where Tattooed men are my constant muse and desire.

When does one lose the playful "Anything can happen" life view of youth?

Am I old now because I lost it at some point?

Will I seem silly now that I am going to try and regain it?

Is it too late for me to try?

If it is I should stop buying so many books that peek my interest- I buy them because I want to digest them, have them become part of the fabric of my being and inspire me to write something interesting myself or travel to seek out a place or time that it speaks about- and let it become something new for me. Ultimately I somehow let my work schedule or bill paying, or cleaning of the house or some other task get in the way.

In California where I live unless you buy cable this coming January you will lose your TV reception. I am almost dead set on not buying into the pay to be a boob tube. I watch way to much TV now and I always thought I just don't spend enough time at home to make paying for cable worth it because truth be known whenever I did have cable I was frustrated by the repeat programing and always felt like my time was better spent doing something else.

Maybe becoming an intellectual finally will begin when the TV goes out?

We'll just have to see....

I don't know

I have a friend who's disappointed me gravely....

I think I have to step away from our relationship for my own good....

I'm sad!

I was recently also a bit sad remembering a friend who I am no longer in touch with- I was missing her even though it did end for the right reasons....we had just grown apart and began to value different things in different ways.

I don't know what it is about myself that finds me in friendship after friendship and relationship after relationship where I am the one who cares more...

I am the one who goes the extra mile to plan things or do favors or just extend myself in general- because I believe in my heart that if you care for someone that's what you do....but sadly I've discovered yet again that one of my friends doesn't

and that breaks my heart because I deserve a friend that will do and not just say

As I was thinking this all out last night I was watching TV- not really watching more like thinking while staring

and the news was on and it caught my attention because there was the story of two women- best friends- one of which needed a kidney transplant and the other turned out to be a perfect match. The donor friend said she was the one who was being selfish because she couldn't imagine losing her dear friend- so she was doing what she was doing so she could keep her friend for as long as she could.

I thought that was so BEAUTIFUL and someone said you know a friend when they walk toward you while everyone is walking away....

I began to cry because I don't think I've had that kind of relationship - I'm sure maybe I have and I can't recall because I am just overwhelmed by the sadness that comes from realizing that a friendship is over.....

What happened to loyalty- to dedication- to true caring and non-manipulative attention?

I feel so alien right now- I feel surrounded by a world of people I can not relate to

I feel lost

I want to find my people- the people who will enhance my life and I theirs

I'm not just talking about boyfriends.....but friends people to share life with both good and bad, triumphant and sullen

I want to find people who will wish the best for me- who see my value and count themselves lucky to have me in their life and I want to feel the same.

I pray that God send me some people to count on- I don't need a kidney like the woman in the news report, but a hiking or movie Buddie would be cool- someone who won't sleep with my boyfriend or hang out with me more or less depending on who she's dating at the moment and whether or not he likes me.

Someone who won't say she feels bad for asking me to do her a certain favor because she likely wouldn't return the favor......at times I am truly shocked by people and how they are so incredibly rude!

A window into a person's soul is found in comments they make when they aren't paying much attention.

State of Me

I am easily distracted yet focused on my direction forward

I am hungry yet happy to not indulge

I am not afraid yet I cling to my security

I am in a state of delay waiting for what I do not know

I am neither unhappy nor elated

I feel transparent and dull

I wonder why yet I am ok with current conditions

I am not excited yet I am not directionless

I am waiting yet I am making my way

4 Day Weekends ROCK!!!

In anticipation of the Presidents Day Holiday I took Friday off allowing me to have a 4 day weekend. I did this last month on Martin Luther King Jr's birthday as well. It was nice although I don't really remember getting much done.

This weekend though was packed with stuff to do and enjoy!

First day did NOTHING and actually felt guilty about it- but I got over it quickly!

Second day did some house cleaning and my niece came over and we went to the Gym for me the first time in a long time. I had not been going actually mostly because I didn't want to over-workout which I have done more times than I can recount, but I do and I have. I get very fired up about getting active and in shape and I’ll go to the Gym with a vengeance and feel good walking out the door only to not be able to get out of bed the next day- or have pulled a muscle or be so cramped up that I am walking around like an old lady.....and having had a back episode over the Holiday I just was scared frankly that I was headed for more pain- which is frustrating to me- I HATE being immobile.

Well- went and survived my first work out. Actually found out I’m 8 pounds lighter than I thought I was - Wahooooooo!!

Next day we went to get a manicure & pedicure- which I LOVE- It's truly a treat! I go to this place where they give the best hand and foot massages as a part of the treatment. They bring out steaming hot towels and wrap your legs and arms in them and begin to massage the palms of your hands and feet. It's AMAZING and I love it!

On Sunday spent some time with family and went to Mass and we had a BBQ afterward. My lentinal sacrifice is not eating out. I do it way to much in my regular life. I literally spent more money last year on eating out then I spent on most anything else. So I decided that would be a good thing to give up. I'd save money, calories and I’d begin to set a habit of cooking for myself. It's not hard, I know how to cook and yet I don't do it. Its laziness really- so I’m proud to give it away for Lent and hopefully continue it long afterward. My family is honoring my not eating out and we are enjoying home made meals together instead of going out to eat after church- its nice!

Yesterday I went to visit my Mom and Brothers at the Cemetery. I had been looking into the best way to clear the grass and mud and how to clean their headstones - one is granite and the other is bronze so I bought some new stuff to try out and it turned out really nice looking! My niece and God-daughter went with me- it was a group effort and we were all really happy with how it turned out.

Afterward we picked up my other niece and drove to a local mountain range. Living in Southern California affords us the ability to be at the beach in the morning- in the mountains in the afternoon and in the Desert that evening. It's a GREAT place to live even if I spend most days not remembering that it is a GREAT place- the trick is to remember and take advantage.

I am hoping to do more of that!

We played in a patch of snow we found which is still left over from the winter snows and then went for a hike I had never been on which lead down to what we thought was stream, but turned out to be more of a trickle.

LOL :)

We experienced beautiful sky lines and nature in its glory. We even saw what I’m pretty sure was a mountain lion track on the way back from our hike which was kind of unsettling. My 9 year old God-daughter has never been on a hike before so it wouldn't be very good if we encountered a dangerous wild animal her first time out. I'm glad God spared us that. Afterward she told me I was the best and she loved me very much even though she did misstep on a rock and skinned her knee.

:) It was a good weekend!

A New Day- Thankfully!

Yesterday was an emotionally horrible day for me- after an upsetting dream involving my mother- I could not shake off images all day & finally went home after literal hours of crying at work. A Black cloud day for sure. I could not shake the thoughts from my mind so I wallowed in them against my own will.

It's was a trying day!

My niece and I have been on a spiritual journey it seems somewhat together. She is beginning a relationship with God- and i'm renewing mine. It seems as if i've been renewing it for quite some time now so maybe I shouldn't say "renewing"?? But it feels right to me. I was astray for more than 1/2 my life so I think I may always think of my relatinoship with my creator as being newly rekindled. Well she and I have been buying and reading and sharing thoughts from books and experiences mostly relating to our spirituality. It's like a class in college you really LOVE and can't get enough of, but some how we went away for Christmas break and never got back to studying. We both realized this recently as the air seemed stagnet and non-productive.

I have been thinking about which book I would start next. I have purchased more than i've had time to read. So in a quick scroll of my favorite blogs I see that one person referred to the only C.S. Lewis book i've purchased and quoted it as it was on his mind.

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

That's Beautiful- I think i've decided to start here.

Struggling

Last night I dreamt of my mom- I told her I missed her- She didn't say anything.

With everyday that passes we near the one year anniversary of my mom's death and I am Struggling.....I have been the entire year - my whole life to some degree or another, but especially now because I think it would be better if I was able to live outside my own mind which is full of sadness and Anxiety.

I am trying.

Usually I am able to be distracted - I have a pattern of becoming obsessed with something- some idea to occupy my mind which frees me from my Sadness and Anxiety. Music, School, Art.....but most of the time it's cute boys- they are my regular distraction. As of late i've been able to discover some who very much impress me so much so that i've gotten caught up in the idea of them, but i'm certain this does not impress God of that I am sure!

I'm sure my obsessing will likely only lead me to be denied what it is that I desire anyway. Yet I think who put the desire there to begin with? Am I hiding in these undercover desires? I know the answer- Likely. This doesn't bother me so much as they are only thoughts- things to occupy my mind. They go as easily as they come, but somehow I know they aren't good for me and only mask what it is I truely want and need.

How do I put it to rest?

I was reading some blogs today and I know God is speaking to me.

I am in a situation where I am needing God to show me his way- I've even prayed for it while secretly fearing it won't work out in my favor; All the while knowing that what is in my favor is what he has planned for me. It's frustrating to know I'm that ignorant and selfish. I think to myself that I can't help wishing my security take center stage, but I know it's just my weakness and struggle against submission. I know this yet it's hard for me to give up my wants and my view of the way things should be.

So I was reading some blogs I frequent and saw someone's who also struggled recently with some of the same matters that I am- even if they are different situations I think the anxieties are similar and I empathize and recognize that God is showing me that blog because he wants me to know I am not alone and that I'll be fine. He is working on these matters with others as well and I need to trust in him.

How do I put it to rest- how do I get away from the anxiety and the internal goings on of my mind and trust?

I have no answers and even the question upsets me- I sit here with tears in my eyes because I have no control- I say I want God to take control and yet that scares the hell out of me. Why? I should fair better with God in control- right?

What is my problem?

Loving In Rainbows

Post Christmas & New Year Musings

So it was a rough one- being so obviously without my family at the Holidays was very hard! I've endured 5 years now without my brother Daniel and 3 without my brother Ray and this is my first without my mother and my first year as a solitary entity with my whole Holiday routine and expectations up in the air. Just like it's been all year I really didn't know what to do with myself......so unknowingly I made myself sick.

I got the flu or the cold or whatever about 2 + weeks ago. It was kinda bad, but then it kicked up a notch when I was in one of my coughing fits and threw my back out. I literally coughed myself into not being able to get out of bed.

It was HORRIBLE and embarrassing and timed very badly!

The back spasms happened a day before I had a very important meeting that I called involving 6 other people from various parts of the country. If I didn't make it the project would be on hold and I couldn't let that happen so in my old lady hunched over back spasm state I made my way into work only to lay on the floor of my office for no less than 1/2 the day.

Good Times!

In the end I made it through by alot of laying on the floor, sleeping for way too many hours in a pain killer state of sleepiness. I prayed alot for pain alleviation. I was healed enough by Christmas day to make it down to my cousin's house for gift exchange. Sadly I didn't finish my Christmas Shopping but everyone understood they'd have to wait till I could shop- and that way they could have more say in what they received- In the end people were happy and that's all that matters.

One of the gifts I received was a book by Joel Osteen- HAHAHAHAHAHA

What can I say??? My last blog questioned Joel Osteen and although I certainly didn't anticipate learning more about him- maybe God has others plans for me & "My Best Life Now"?

I spent New Years Eve and Day with my God Mother. She had also been sick so the evening was far from a rager but it was nice......a mellow evening of Pozole & Bunelos making......that's Mexican food for anyone who's wondering. Some Latin people cook Tamale's for Christmas or New Years and my family definitely has done that, but this year it was all about the Pozole and Bunelos- Yummy!

So today is my first day back to work- Jan. 2nd and I'm still a little sore and have what is hopefully the last bit of congestion going on. I really am tired of being sick. I am not surprised it happened. I am now pretty clear on how stress and anxiety and depression can make you physically sick- I hope to try and avoid such happenings in 2008.