Struggling

Last night I dreamt of my mom- I told her I missed her- She didn't say anything.

With everyday that passes we near the one year anniversary of my mom's death and I am Struggling.....I have been the entire year - my whole life to some degree or another, but especially now because I think it would be better if I was able to live outside my own mind which is full of sadness and Anxiety.

I am trying.

Usually I am able to be distracted - I have a pattern of becoming obsessed with something- some idea to occupy my mind which frees me from my Sadness and Anxiety. Music, School, Art.....but most of the time it's cute boys- they are my regular distraction. As of late i've been able to discover some who very much impress me so much so that i've gotten caught up in the idea of them, but i'm certain this does not impress God of that I am sure!

I'm sure my obsessing will likely only lead me to be denied what it is that I desire anyway. Yet I think who put the desire there to begin with? Am I hiding in these undercover desires? I know the answer- Likely. This doesn't bother me so much as they are only thoughts- things to occupy my mind. They go as easily as they come, but somehow I know they aren't good for me and only mask what it is I truely want and need.