I buy books I do not read

I've decided I need to change my life.

Over the last year I've REALLY become closer to God and that needed to happen. I feel really good about it and I see that it's always been a part of my story I just didn't know it and had I known it I think I might have struggled more against it- instead of less.

I know that may seem odd for a person trying to be a woman of God to say- but it's honest and I think knowing yourself is important and that is one fact that I know about me. So I'm grateful for how I have come back to know God again- because I'm not sure it would have ever happened if not for how it did.

Another thing I know about myself is that I need a change and yet I'm afraid to allow it to happen. I've had so much loss in my family life that I feel all changed out- but there was a person I wanted to be before all this loss and I never quite made it there.

I wanted to be an intellectual- a world traveler, amateur musician and writer. Simply put I wanted to be an interesting person- and who I've become is a responsible person with a boring life. I fantasize about life adventures filled with interesting people and books where Tattooed men are my constant muse and desire.

When does one lose the playful "Anything can happen" life view of youth?

Am I old now because I lost it at some point?

Will I seem silly now that I am going to try and regain it?

Is it too late for me to try?

If it is I should stop buying so many books that peek my interest- I buy them because I want to digest them, have them become part of the fabric of my being and inspire me to write something interesting myself or travel to seek out a place or time that it speaks about- and let it become something new for me. Ultimately I somehow let my work schedule or bill paying, or cleaning of the house or some other task get in the way.

In California where I live unless you buy cable this coming January you will lose your TV reception. I am almost dead set on not buying into the pay to be a boob tube. I watch way to much TV now and I always thought I just don't spend enough time at home to make paying for cable worth it because truth be known whenever I did have cable I was frustrated by the repeat programing and always felt like my time was better spent doing something else.

Maybe becoming an intellectual finally will begin when the TV goes out?

We'll just have to see....