Every hero has a battle to fight within himself

I am reading a booked named "The End of Religion" and it's focus is an aspect of spirituality and religion that I have, it seems, known or felt most my life. You know how sometimes you don't know you feel a certain way until you experience something or read something or meet someone that solidifies the idea for you and then there is that light bulb moment where you know .... this .... here .... in this moment validates what I have always thought and known. Well there's been alot of that for me lately. It's like God is guiding me. I believe he is with me showing me how our relationship should be. One of the reasons I was distant from God to begin with was the church, but now that I've reconciled in my brain that I am a believer and my life and the well being of everything I love all depends on God's grace and my faith. A result of that reconciliation is that I'm trying to be especially careful to not be turned off or turn away again because of religion which necessitates that I am careful of how I get involved with other Christians and come to know and grow closer to God.

I believe because of this thought filled approach God is guiding me and I am very thankful for it. I have been exposed to the genius that is Andrew Schwab....well I don't know about genius but I do know he is highly intelligent and I think personifies what it is to be honest in your spirituality. I don't know that christian culture promotes being honest over presenting purity at all times which is a facade and I think ultimately harmful.

I've been reading interviews with Schwab because I find him interesting and thought provoking. Most interviews are obviously about his music and some on his writings and so reading them can be repetitious, but it does ultimately pay off with some interesting pearl of wisdom smack dab in the middle. I just finished one where he compares struggle with Spider-man 3 the movie. There is a lyric in one of his songs that accidentally lined up with the plot of the movie: how every hero has a battle to fight within himself. Spider-man is fighting Venom that has become a part of him and we as Christians each day have similar fights within ourselves. We have a decision to make about which voice we are going to follow in our own heads which is a simplistic way to express the battle between the spirit and the flesh.

I'm telling you this guy is insanely insightful!

So this book "The End of Religion" is about encountering the subversive spirituality of Jesus. I heard about it when I met the bass player in a Canadian band called New World Son. They were amazing and I got to talking with this guy and it carried into the wee hours of the morning. He was so cool and real and told me how he and his wife struggled for years to find a church to call home, but the one they frequented really did make alot of sense for them- this book is written by his pastor. So back to the book - so far its about how very into rules the religious were in the time of Jesus and how he came along and broke those rules. How his primary mission was to tear down religion as the foundation for people's connection with God. How he was criticized for his interactions with tax collectors and prostitutes ect ect. Jesus was a revolutionary and somehow we've forgotten that! I really wonder if we would recognize Jesus if he returned in our time. Sadly I don't know that we would. It's something to think about.

I'm LOVING this book!

Too Intimate

Since my mom died earlier this year many family dynamics have changed- they had too!

I've grown alot closer to some extended family members and have been given the responsibility of others. I've fallen out of touch completely with some and don't talk much with others although that is more than likely happenstance than anything....you never truely realize how much your parents serve as a bridge to other family until their gone. My mom was the bridge to some many branches of this family and now we are all forced to redefine our roles and relationships.

So i'm learning about my family in ways I never really had to before. I'm finding problems where I thought there were placid waters and finding a new depth of love and appreciation for some who I thought I had all figured out.

In ways I feel strange with these people- who are they and what did they do with my family? The one's I grew up with and who supplied the soundtrack to this thing I call my life. At times I feel like it's too intimate a thing we're doing. I feel like when some share what's really going on with them that I shouldn't be there hearing what I am- shouldn't be knowing what I know, but why shouldn't I they are my family. I guess it's just strange for me to be closer to the action. Closer to the problems and the joys closer to the goings on instead of convienently distanced from it through the great loving filter that was my mother.

Today my heart swings & things are just fine on the West Coast!

I went to see Interpol last night and they were AMAZING!



How are things on the West Coast?
I hear you moving real fine
You wear those shoes like a dove
Now strut those shoes
We'll go roaming in the night
Well, how are things on the West Coast?
You keep it moving to your soul's delight
Now I've tried the brakes
I've tried but you know it's a lonely ride
How are things on the West Coast?
Oh and move heaven behind those eyes
Today my heart swings
Yeah, today my heart swings
But I don't want to take your heart
And I don't want a piece of history
No I don't want to read your thoughts anymore
My God...
'Cause today my heart swings
Yeah, today my heart swings
How are things on the West Coast?
Hear you moving real fine tonight
You wear those shoes, I decide
Oh strut those shoes
We'll go roaming in the night
Well, how are things on the West Coast?
Yeah, but you're an actress I don't identify
Today my heart swings
Yeah, today my heart swings
Say it...
But I don't want to play the part
And I don't want a taste of victory
No I don't want to read your thoughts anymore
My God...
'Cause today my heart swings
Yeah, today my heart swings
Say it...
'Cause today my heart swings
Yeah, today my heart swings
Let it come...
'Cause I've got a chance for a sweet sane life
I said I've got a dance and you'll do just fine
Well, I've got a plan, look forward in my eyes
Let it come...
Well I've got a chance for a sweet sane life
I said I've got a dance, it moves into the night
Well, I've got a plan, look forward in my eyes
Well, today my heart swings

Disappointment Spawns Reorganization

My focus has been so very directed on one particular path and that was a bit derailed Friday. Luckily i'm a pretty presistent person and once my focus has been set I tend to keep on course if I can. As with most goals this derailment is only a temporary set back- a blow for sure but not a total loss. Mostly i'm just disappointed! Disappointed in myself, disappointed in the time it will take to fix. Disappointed that my future will have to wait a bit longer.

Spent the weekend reorganizing my new plan of attack only to come in to work today to find a friend speculating about her own future- with a much bigger black cloud above then my own. She actually cast her black cloud into my sky a bit as well which was a little scary since my new plan does not account for her weather predictions.

In the end I think I just don't care. I will be fine which ever way this thing goes down all I can do is look ahead into what I want my world to look like and plan for it. Some friends who also needed change in their lives and work have made it to the other side and are much happier people as a result. One now works for Paramount Pictures...another for DirecTV... another for Lifetime TV...another for Amazon.com....another for Apple and finally another is about to leave to work in music publishing and everyone seems to love the changes they've seen take place both personal and professional. As a grown up.... a full fledge adult (yes i'm finally admitting it)a happiness with one usually leads to the other so....

I will be fine....I just need to reorganize, continue my focus and trust God!

Sometimes I think I am a little slow

I tend to ignore the realities of my life just to get through it. I know that may sound extreme or exaggerated, but it's true. I've had to live some harsh realities in life and I guess my coping mechanism is to keep focused on some goal ahead and power through- keep going because stopping is not a productive option- at least not for me.

Because I do this I sometimes ignore certain realities even in times of calm.

In these calm days of late i've begun struggling with old struggles and I am a bit taken back by it. Actually I am VERY annoyed at myself for allowing the reality of what is going on- again! I don't know when these struggles lessened to begin with... all I know is I’ve been plagued by this particular struggle and was glad to have a break from it.

A break is obviously not a solution as the struggle continues. At church this Sunday I prayed to have this sinful struggle taken from me and while praying I began to cry. I know that my tears are a pure reflection of my true intention, but I really hate crying in church. Not that I’m embarrassed that I struggle, but because this is my private conversation with God, yet anyone looking over can see it all over my face. I know I can't worry about it if my goal is to be genuine but I must admit I do.

The message this week was about being persistent in faith.....growing in it and staying focused on God. To work toward a closer relationship with him and to acknowledge that the process of growing in faith requires actual effort be put into it. Also to be grateful for struggle because it brings us closer to our creator. I try to digest the word as best I can and look for how it applies to me, but as someone who ignores her realities this can be a challenge even when I think I am listening and understanding.

I haven't figured out if what I am about to write is really true, the main reason why I named this blog "thoughts in progress", but IF it is I think my struggles are now being used by God to reaffirm messages to me- one's he really wants me to hear.

I was reading an interview with Andrew Schwab and an interesting point came up that I had long thought true: men and women think differently. To illustrate a point Andrew began discussing what he thought the main difference was in how guys and girls think. Guys tend to think more goal oriented while girls appreciate the process. I began thinking that wasn't really true for me.Then I came to the part in the interview where this man who is fiercely spiritual said he was learning to be thankful, and hopeful, in all circumstances and coming to appreciate the process which is really important for someone who is driven, or goal-oriented.

Either I am victim to some grand conspiracy or God is truly speaking to me.