About a month ago I read a blog by Andrew Schwab called "40 years Wandering...Share your desert experiences". He's an amazing artist so I read what he had to say listed below:
"God’s relationship with the nation of Israel is a template for our own individual interaction with Him. When I think of the time Israel spent in the desert, (seemingly) wandering aimlessly, God was, in fact, teaching them to rely solely on Him. So, in the desert they stayed until they learned this valuable lesson. Are you in the desert? If so, how did you arrive there? And what is God trying to teach you before you can inherit the promised land?"
So in response below is what came out of me. After writing it I kind of felt exposed...which I suppose means I was being honest....so since I write my most honest thoughts here thought I should make sure it's here too. Here it is:
The only people in the world that I owe everything I am and all my love to have gone to be with the Lord- Both my brothers and my mother all within 5 years time and it’s the most heart breaking experience i’ve ever known or will know of that i’m sure.......and yes I am struggling and it seems i’ve shut down as I mainly stay indoors these days reading books instead of going out and meeting people/living life. I also got rid of my job this year mainly because I wanted to start over in a fresh direction and partly because I was thinking of it as laying it down for the Lord and surrendering that part of me too. I want him to shape my life into what he has planned for me, but it scares me to death at the same time. I have a feeling that what he wants for me and I want for myself are dramatically different things. I think of the stories in the Bible about him wanting to build me a palace and I would be very content in a little cottage as long as he’d let my loved ones come visit me from time to time. If he’d stop by for a cup of tea and then we could really talk and I could spend time with him in a personal way.......or those stories in the Bible about him giving us power and I think I don’t really want power I just want peace....of mind....of heart.
I prayed to God last night about this sense i’ve gotten lately a feeling of empty and even through tears I feel flat even though I am praying with all the sincerity I know I have to give. I asked him to speak to me and let me know the direction he wants me moving in and I was very grateful to hear the message at church today was one of loyalty to his people and patience with us in our struggles and healing for the persistent and dedicated and that touched my heart.
I just finished "If you Love the Lord" by Keith Green and one of the last Bible references he spoke about said "He who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed" (Matthew 21:44). I truly believe the stone has fallen on me, but I am striving to pull myself together in hopes of one day being mere broken pieces. I’ll be broken pieces for God knowing he is the stone that will shape me. Problem is I have no idea how to get there from here. I miss my family, but I know any love or kindness I feel or give to anyone else here on earth is my attempt to thank God for taking care of them for me.
I’m beginning to believe all of our time here on earth is the desert. I know i’m sounding very goth now and very emo, but I honestly think it might be true. Even in the desert one can find fleeting sights of beauty and perhaps a mirage or two, but like the chosen people I am fed with manna by the Lord and I am trying to cling to that and never forget where my sustenance comes from. I pray for him to never leave me and so I plan to never go hungry no matter how bleak it may appear.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
A Lesson in what to want and what not to want
Tonight after my Business Law final I went out to a movie to take the edge off. I went to see Revolutionary Road staring Leonardo DeCaprio and Kate Winslet. It was a really sad movie to watch. I had a feeling from the trailers it wasn't an upbeat movie, but I didn't think it would cut to the core of what I do NOT want from a marriage. Frank Wheeler is a gentile manipulator and I truly question whether he truly loves his wife at all. He seems to be easily swayed by those forces around him and makes no true decisions for himself, rather is afraid to make any significant step toward the unknown even with the support and love of his wife. He instead cringes away from love and insists on subjecting himself and his wife to a life they both don't want to live- out of some strange need to be conventional which I can appreciate- conventional is easy after all, but knowing how much it is hurting his wife and still proceeding makes him so pitiful. I pity him because in the end he does lose it all and he has no one to blame but himself. He steps away from the love and devotion he could have if he trusted it enough to accept it. The wife is not entirely innocent either- her choices also come into play, but the movie is set in the 50's and it's obvious that she feel helpless to the decisions her husband is making and her thrashing out is the only thing left for her to do. I HATE that he tries to undermine her sanity!!!! I think there is nothing more despicable than that. It's one thing to hurt the ones you love without really knowing what your doing, but quite another to toy with one's own perception of sanity.
It really is a good movie and worth seeing if only for the lesson learned!
On the flip side over the holidays I also went to see the Teen Vampire flick called Twilight which was fun and spurred me and the other women in my family to decide to read the 4 books in the saga and what a GORGEOUS story it is! The movie, although fun, really does NOT do the books justice. Edward Cullen although described as the perfect man is far from it. He's self loathing and is confused about how he feels about God and life after death. He at times pushes the boundaries of allowing people their own opinions and feelings, but aren't we all flawed in that way as well. One thing is for certain and is redeemable about this character. He LOVES Bella!! He puts her ahead of everything especially his own self interest time and time again. Although he's not sure about God he insists on saving her soul- he cherishes it and fights for it throughout all 4 books. He makes mistake after mistake in that pursuit because he won't believe that his flawed character is capable of being forgiven and that he too has a soul worth saving. He struggles with the love he is given by Bella because he wants the best for her and doesn't really surrender to her love until the 3rd book - I actually don't think he ever believes he's truly worthy of that love. He just decides he's not stupid enough to be without it any longer and there really is no need for him to be. This made me really think about how being in love with someone does not mean you are allowing yourself to be loved by them. I thought about that alot and it rang true in some of the relationships I've been in. It really clarified some deep wounds for me and I'll be better equip to be on the lookout for such things now that I know there is a need to be. I was also touched by the patience Bella has to have with him in that regard....loving him, respecting him and challenging him all at the same time and it is worth it in the end and I can only hope to have such a love in my life. I've been praying for it actually ever since I read the books. I love that Edward is the one to insist on marrying Bella before they have sex and sticks to this. It's a beautiful thing to think of someone caring enough to not only wait, but to insist upon it. It makes the intentions of his heart all that more attractive, and that is why so many girls and women will if they haven't already fallen in love with the story of Edward & Bella.
I hope the Lord is speaking to me- preparing me for what maybe coming my way with these two very touching examples of what to want and what not want in a life partner so beautifully displayed in these films. Here's praying for getting it right if i'm blessed enough to get a shot at it!
It really is a good movie and worth seeing if only for the lesson learned!
On the flip side over the holidays I also went to see the Teen Vampire flick called Twilight which was fun and spurred me and the other women in my family to decide to read the 4 books in the saga and what a GORGEOUS story it is! The movie, although fun, really does NOT do the books justice. Edward Cullen although described as the perfect man is far from it. He's self loathing and is confused about how he feels about God and life after death. He at times pushes the boundaries of allowing people their own opinions and feelings, but aren't we all flawed in that way as well. One thing is for certain and is redeemable about this character. He LOVES Bella!! He puts her ahead of everything especially his own self interest time and time again. Although he's not sure about God he insists on saving her soul- he cherishes it and fights for it throughout all 4 books. He makes mistake after mistake in that pursuit because he won't believe that his flawed character is capable of being forgiven and that he too has a soul worth saving. He struggles with the love he is given by Bella because he wants the best for her and doesn't really surrender to her love until the 3rd book - I actually don't think he ever believes he's truly worthy of that love. He just decides he's not stupid enough to be without it any longer and there really is no need for him to be. This made me really think about how being in love with someone does not mean you are allowing yourself to be loved by them. I thought about that alot and it rang true in some of the relationships I've been in. It really clarified some deep wounds for me and I'll be better equip to be on the lookout for such things now that I know there is a need to be. I was also touched by the patience Bella has to have with him in that regard....loving him, respecting him and challenging him all at the same time and it is worth it in the end and I can only hope to have such a love in my life. I've been praying for it actually ever since I read the books. I love that Edward is the one to insist on marrying Bella before they have sex and sticks to this. It's a beautiful thing to think of someone caring enough to not only wait, but to insist upon it. It makes the intentions of his heart all that more attractive, and that is why so many girls and women will if they haven't already fallen in love with the story of Edward & Bella.
I hope the Lord is speaking to me- preparing me for what maybe coming my way with these two very touching examples of what to want and what not want in a life partner so beautifully displayed in these films. Here's praying for getting it right if i'm blessed enough to get a shot at it!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Liberation
I don't like the word "Change" it scares me, but I'm loving the word "Transition" it feels liberating.....
It has been FOREVER since I last blogged and I think it's time to come back to it now that I've settled into a more certain future. I realize now that I hide when I am unsure of my circumstances and feel out of control. I'm a good hider too.... which is not really a good thing I think....in the long run. For now it's OK because I am not attached at the moment, but I think I may have to ensure in the end that whomever God sends my way is a VERY patient and understanding man. A seeker of sorts who will know how to find me and will remind me not to lose myself in my pursuit of escape.
June of last year I left my Music Industry job and it was a VERY hard thing for me to do, but I am certain it was right for me and am now in my second semester back in school. I feel better about my future prospects and about how God is working in my life. I pray that he will continue to mold me into the kind of person he needs me to become. He is showing me so many things I feel very blessed for his constant presence in my life!!!!!
It has been FOREVER since I last blogged and I think it's time to come back to it now that I've settled into a more certain future. I realize now that I hide when I am unsure of my circumstances and feel out of control. I'm a good hider too.... which is not really a good thing I think....in the long run. For now it's OK because I am not attached at the moment, but I think I may have to ensure in the end that whomever God sends my way is a VERY patient and understanding man. A seeker of sorts who will know how to find me and will remind me not to lose myself in my pursuit of escape.
June of last year I left my Music Industry job and it was a VERY hard thing for me to do, but I am certain it was right for me and am now in my second semester back in school. I feel better about my future prospects and about how God is working in my life. I pray that he will continue to mold me into the kind of person he needs me to become. He is showing me so many things I feel very blessed for his constant presence in my life!!!!!
Monday, June 30, 2008
The Beauty of Severence
So it's been a super long time since i've blogged because it's been a super sensitive time for me involving impending lay off's at my work and my deciding that I did not want to continue working there. I made my wishes known in the most sensitive way I could and that followed alot of anxiety and waiting.
My thoughts were filled with - will they let me go....will they try to fire me.....will they honor my wishes.....will I get enough severence pay to make it through school???
My brain was filled with quesitons and I had no answers- I just had fear of what was going to happen- even if it all happened the way that I wanted....and finally it did!
I'm still very much scared- I don't know if I can really allow myself to not work for a while. I am already thinking of looking at some opportunities that have presented themselves. I have already explored and seen what seems like a dead end for two potential futures for my career, but I know this may only seem that way- and I need not panic. I don't have to panic! I don't have to work till next May if I don't want to. My company the place that drained me emotionally and mentially did take VERY good care of me in that respect- it's a BEAUTIFUL thing- severence pay!
I feel like I broke up with my boyfriend in a good way- one in which we can both feel good about the time we spent together- we were just not right for one another- so we broke up and it's ok. That's the best analogy I can come up with.
So i'm back here because I am for the first time in my adult life I think going to spend the next phase of my life focused on who I am and see where I want to go- in all aspects. I want to be smart about where I go next professionally. I want to make more money and have a seperation from my work so I can actually have a private life. I am going to focus on my health- lose some weight, begin dating again, read books, connect with my creator and spend more quality me time than I think I ever have before. It's now or never- it's my life and now is the opportunity for me to get it back on track and make it what I always hoped it would be.
Wish me luck!
My thoughts were filled with - will they let me go....will they try to fire me.....will they honor my wishes.....will I get enough severence pay to make it through school???
My brain was filled with quesitons and I had no answers- I just had fear of what was going to happen- even if it all happened the way that I wanted....and finally it did!
I'm still very much scared- I don't know if I can really allow myself to not work for a while. I am already thinking of looking at some opportunities that have presented themselves. I have already explored and seen what seems like a dead end for two potential futures for my career, but I know this may only seem that way- and I need not panic. I don't have to panic! I don't have to work till next May if I don't want to. My company the place that drained me emotionally and mentially did take VERY good care of me in that respect- it's a BEAUTIFUL thing- severence pay!
I feel like I broke up with my boyfriend in a good way- one in which we can both feel good about the time we spent together- we were just not right for one another- so we broke up and it's ok. That's the best analogy I can come up with.
So i'm back here because I am for the first time in my adult life I think going to spend the next phase of my life focused on who I am and see where I want to go- in all aspects. I want to be smart about where I go next professionally. I want to make more money and have a seperation from my work so I can actually have a private life. I am going to focus on my health- lose some weight, begin dating again, read books, connect with my creator and spend more quality me time than I think I ever have before. It's now or never- it's my life and now is the opportunity for me to get it back on track and make it what I always hoped it would be.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
I buy books I do not read
I've decided I need to change my life.
Over the last year I've REALLY become closer to God and that needed to happen. I feel really good about it and I see that it's always been a part of my story I just didn't know it and had I known it I think I might have struggled more against it- instead of less.
I know that may seem odd for a person trying to be a woman of God to say- but it's honest and I think knowing yourself is important and that is one fact that I know about me. So I'm grateful for how I have come back to know God again- because I'm not sure it would have ever happened if not for how it did.
Another thing I know about myself is that I need a change and yet I'm afraid to allow it to happen. I've had so much loss in my family life that I feel all changed out- but there was a person I wanted to be before all this loss and I never quite made it there.
I wanted to be an intellectual- a world traveler, amateur musician and writer. Simply put I wanted to be an interesting person- and who I've become is a responsible person with a boring life. I fantasize about life adventures filled with interesting people and books where Tattooed men are my constant muse and desire.
When does one lose the playful "Anything can happen" life view of youth?
Am I old now because I lost it at some point?
Will I seem silly now that I am going to try and regain it?
Is it too late for me to try?
If it is I should stop buying so many books that peek my interest- I buy them because I want to digest them, have them become part of the fabric of my being and inspire me to write something interesting myself or travel to seek out a place or time that it speaks about- and let it become something new for me. Ultimately I somehow let my work schedule or bill paying, or cleaning of the house or some other task get in the way.
In California where I live unless you buy cable this coming January you will lose your TV reception. I am almost dead set on not buying into the pay to be a boob tube. I watch way to much TV now and I always thought I just don't spend enough time at home to make paying for cable worth it because truth be known whenever I did have cable I was frustrated by the repeat programing and always felt like my time was better spent doing something else.
Maybe becoming an intellectual finally will begin when the TV goes out?
We'll just have to see....
Over the last year I've REALLY become closer to God and that needed to happen. I feel really good about it and I see that it's always been a part of my story I just didn't know it and had I known it I think I might have struggled more against it- instead of less.
I know that may seem odd for a person trying to be a woman of God to say- but it's honest and I think knowing yourself is important and that is one fact that I know about me. So I'm grateful for how I have come back to know God again- because I'm not sure it would have ever happened if not for how it did.
Another thing I know about myself is that I need a change and yet I'm afraid to allow it to happen. I've had so much loss in my family life that I feel all changed out- but there was a person I wanted to be before all this loss and I never quite made it there.
I wanted to be an intellectual- a world traveler, amateur musician and writer. Simply put I wanted to be an interesting person- and who I've become is a responsible person with a boring life. I fantasize about life adventures filled with interesting people and books where Tattooed men are my constant muse and desire.
When does one lose the playful "Anything can happen" life view of youth?
Am I old now because I lost it at some point?
Will I seem silly now that I am going to try and regain it?
Is it too late for me to try?
If it is I should stop buying so many books that peek my interest- I buy them because I want to digest them, have them become part of the fabric of my being and inspire me to write something interesting myself or travel to seek out a place or time that it speaks about- and let it become something new for me. Ultimately I somehow let my work schedule or bill paying, or cleaning of the house or some other task get in the way.
In California where I live unless you buy cable this coming January you will lose your TV reception. I am almost dead set on not buying into the pay to be a boob tube. I watch way to much TV now and I always thought I just don't spend enough time at home to make paying for cable worth it because truth be known whenever I did have cable I was frustrated by the repeat programing and always felt like my time was better spent doing something else.
Maybe becoming an intellectual finally will begin when the TV goes out?
We'll just have to see....
Friday, April 18, 2008
I don't know
I have a friend who's disappointed me gravely....
I think I have to step away from our relationship for my own good....
I'm sad!
I was recently also a bit sad remembering a friend who I am no longer in touch with- I was missing her even though it did end for the right reasons....we had just grown apart and began to value different things in different ways.
I don't know what it is about myself that finds me in friendship after friendship and relationship after relationship where I am the one who cares more...
I am the one who goes the extra mile to plan things or do favors or just extend myself in general- because I believe in my heart that if you care for someone that's what you do....but sadly I've discovered yet again that one of my friends doesn't
and that breaks my heart because I deserve a friend that will do and not just say
As I was thinking this all out last night I was watching TV- not really watching more like thinking while staring
and the news was on and it caught my attention because there was the story of two women- best friends- one of which needed a kidney transplant and the other turned out to be a perfect match. The donor friend said she was the one who was being selfish because she couldn't imagine losing her dear friend- so she was doing what she was doing so she could keep her friend for as long as she could.
I thought that was so BEAUTIFUL and someone said you know a friend when they walk toward you while everyone is walking away....
I began to cry because I don't think I've had that kind of relationship - I'm sure maybe I have and I can't recall because I am just overwhelmed by the sadness that comes from realizing that a friendship is over.....
What happened to loyalty- to dedication- to true caring and non-manipulative attention?
I feel so alien right now- I feel surrounded by a world of people I can not relate to
I feel lost
I want to find my people- the people who will enhance my life and I theirs
I'm not just talking about boyfriends.....but friends people to share life with both good and bad, triumphant and sullen
I want to find people who will wish the best for me- who see my value and count themselves lucky to have me in their life and I want to feel the same.
I pray that God send me some people to count on- I don't need a kidney like the woman in the news report, but a hiking or movie Buddie would be cool- someone who won't sleep with my boyfriend or hang out with me more or less depending on who she's dating at the moment and whether or not he likes me.
Someone who won't say she feels bad for asking me to do her a certain favor because she likely wouldn't return the favor......at times I am truly shocked by people and how they are so incredibly rude!
A window into a person's soul is found in comments they make when they aren't paying much attention.
I think I have to step away from our relationship for my own good....
I'm sad!
I was recently also a bit sad remembering a friend who I am no longer in touch with- I was missing her even though it did end for the right reasons....we had just grown apart and began to value different things in different ways.
I don't know what it is about myself that finds me in friendship after friendship and relationship after relationship where I am the one who cares more...
I am the one who goes the extra mile to plan things or do favors or just extend myself in general- because I believe in my heart that if you care for someone that's what you do....but sadly I've discovered yet again that one of my friends doesn't
and that breaks my heart because I deserve a friend that will do and not just say
As I was thinking this all out last night I was watching TV- not really watching more like thinking while staring
and the news was on and it caught my attention because there was the story of two women- best friends- one of which needed a kidney transplant and the other turned out to be a perfect match. The donor friend said she was the one who was being selfish because she couldn't imagine losing her dear friend- so she was doing what she was doing so she could keep her friend for as long as she could.
I thought that was so BEAUTIFUL and someone said you know a friend when they walk toward you while everyone is walking away....
I began to cry because I don't think I've had that kind of relationship - I'm sure maybe I have and I can't recall because I am just overwhelmed by the sadness that comes from realizing that a friendship is over.....
What happened to loyalty- to dedication- to true caring and non-manipulative attention?
I feel so alien right now- I feel surrounded by a world of people I can not relate to
I feel lost
I want to find my people- the people who will enhance my life and I theirs
I'm not just talking about boyfriends.....but friends people to share life with both good and bad, triumphant and sullen
I want to find people who will wish the best for me- who see my value and count themselves lucky to have me in their life and I want to feel the same.
I pray that God send me some people to count on- I don't need a kidney like the woman in the news report, but a hiking or movie Buddie would be cool- someone who won't sleep with my boyfriend or hang out with me more or less depending on who she's dating at the moment and whether or not he likes me.
Someone who won't say she feels bad for asking me to do her a certain favor because she likely wouldn't return the favor......at times I am truly shocked by people and how they are so incredibly rude!
A window into a person's soul is found in comments they make when they aren't paying much attention.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
State of Me
I am easily distracted yet focused on my direction forward
I am hungry yet happy to not indulge
I am not afraid yet I cling to my security
I am in a state of delay waiting for what I do not know
I am neither unhappy nor elated
I feel transparent and dull
I wonder why yet I am ok with current conditions
I am not excited yet I am not directionless
I am waiting yet I am making my way
I am hungry yet happy to not indulge
I am not afraid yet I cling to my security
I am in a state of delay waiting for what I do not know
I am neither unhappy nor elated
I feel transparent and dull
I wonder why yet I am ok with current conditions
I am not excited yet I am not directionless
I am waiting yet I am making my way
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