Desert Experience

About a month ago I read a blog by Andrew Schwab called "40 years Wandering...Share your desert experiences". He's an amazing artist so I read what he had to say listed below:

"God’s relationship with the nation of Israel is a template for our own individual interaction with Him. When I think of the time Israel spent in the desert, (seemingly) wandering aimlessly, God was, in fact, teaching them to rely solely on Him. So, in the desert they stayed until they learned this valuable lesson. Are you in the desert? If so, how did you arrive there? And what is God trying to teach you before you can inherit the promised land?"

So in response below is what came out of me. After writing it I kind of felt exposed...which I suppose means I was being honest....so since I write my most honest thoughts here thought I should make sure it's here too. Here it is:

The only people in the world that I owe everything I am and all my love to have gone to be with the Lord- Both my brothers and my mother all within 5 years time and it’s the most heart breaking experience i’ve ever known or will know of that i’m sure.......and yes I am struggling and it seems i’ve shut down as I mainly stay indoors these days reading books instead of going out and meeting people/living life. I also got rid of my job this year mainly because I wanted to start over in a fresh direction and partly because I was thinking of it as laying it down for the Lord and surrendering that part of me too. I want him to shape my life into what he has planned for me, but it scares me to death at the same time. I have a feeling that what he wants for me and I want for myself are dramatically different things. I think of the stories in the Bible about him wanting to build me a palace and I would be very content in a little cottage as long as he’d let my loved ones come visit me from time to time. If he’d stop by for a cup of tea and then we could really talk and I could spend time with him in a personal way.......or those stories in the Bible about him giving us power and I think I don’t really want power I just want peace....of mind....of heart.

I prayed to God last night about this sense i’ve gotten lately a feeling of empty and even through tears I feel flat even though I am praying with all the sincerity I know I have to give. I asked him to speak to me and let me know the direction he wants me moving in and I was very grateful to hear the message at church today was one of loyalty to his people and patience with us in our struggles and healing for the persistent and dedicated and that touched my heart.

I just finished "If you Love the Lord" by Keith Green and one of the last Bible references he spoke about said "He who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed" (Matthew 21:44). I truly believe the stone has fallen on me, but I am striving to pull myself together in hopes of one day being mere broken pieces. I’ll be broken pieces for God knowing he is the stone that will shape me. Problem is I have no idea how to get there from here. I miss my family, but I know any love or kindness I feel or give to anyone else here on earth is my attempt to thank God for taking care of them for me.

I’m beginning to believe all of our time here on earth is the desert. I know i’m sounding very goth now and very emo, but I honestly think it might be true. Even in the desert one can find fleeting sights of beauty and perhaps a mirage or two, but like the chosen people I am fed with manna by the Lord and I am trying to cling to that and never forget where my sustenance comes from. I pray for him to never leave me and so I plan to never go hungry no matter how bleak it may appear.