Struggling

Last night I dreamt of my mom- I told her I missed her- She didn't say anything.

With everyday that passes we near the one year anniversary of my mom's death and I am Struggling.....I have been the entire year - my whole life to some degree or another, but especially now because I think it would be better if I was able to live outside my own mind which is full of sadness and Anxiety.

I am trying.

Usually I am able to be distracted - I have a pattern of becoming obsessed with something- some idea to occupy my mind which frees me from my Sadness and Anxiety. Music, School, Art.....but most of the time it's cute boys- they are my regular distraction. As of late i've been able to discover some who very much impress me so much so that i've gotten caught up in the idea of them, but i'm certain this does not impress God of that I am sure!

I'm sure my obsessing will likely only lead me to be denied what it is that I desire anyway. Yet I think who put the desire there to begin with? Am I hiding in these undercover desires? I know the answer- Likely. This doesn't bother me so much as they are only thoughts- things to occupy my mind. They go as easily as they come, but somehow I know they aren't good for me and only mask what it is I truely want and need.

How do I put it to rest?

I was reading some blogs today and I know God is speaking to me.

I am in a situation where I am needing God to show me his way- I've even prayed for it while secretly fearing it won't work out in my favor; All the while knowing that what is in my favor is what he has planned for me. It's frustrating to know I'm that ignorant and selfish. I think to myself that I can't help wishing my security take center stage, but I know it's just my weakness and struggle against submission. I know this yet it's hard for me to give up my wants and my view of the way things should be.

So I was reading some blogs I frequent and saw someone's who also struggled recently with some of the same matters that I am- even if they are different situations I think the anxieties are similar and I empathize and recognize that God is showing me that blog because he wants me to know I am not alone and that I'll be fine. He is working on these matters with others as well and I need to trust in him.

How do I put it to rest- how do I get away from the anxiety and the internal goings on of my mind and trust?

I have no answers and even the question upsets me- I sit here with tears in my eyes because I have no control- I say I want God to take control and yet that scares the hell out of me. Why? I should fair better with God in control- right?

What is my problem?

Loving In Rainbows

Post Christmas & New Year Musings

So it was a rough one- being so obviously without my family at the Holidays was very hard! I've endured 5 years now without my brother Daniel and 3 without my brother Ray and this is my first without my mother and my first year as a solitary entity with my whole Holiday routine and expectations up in the air. Just like it's been all year I really didn't know what to do with myself......so unknowingly I made myself sick.

I got the flu or the cold or whatever about 2 + weeks ago. It was kinda bad, but then it kicked up a notch when I was in one of my coughing fits and threw my back out. I literally coughed myself into not being able to get out of bed.

It was HORRIBLE and embarrassing and timed very badly!

The back spasms happened a day before I had a very important meeting that I called involving 6 other people from various parts of the country. If I didn't make it the project would be on hold and I couldn't let that happen so in my old lady hunched over back spasm state I made my way into work only to lay on the floor of my office for no less than 1/2 the day.

Good Times!

In the end I made it through by alot of laying on the floor, sleeping for way too many hours in a pain killer state of sleepiness. I prayed alot for pain alleviation. I was healed enough by Christmas day to make it down to my cousin's house for gift exchange. Sadly I didn't finish my Christmas Shopping but everyone understood they'd have to wait till I could shop- and that way they could have more say in what they received- In the end people were happy and that's all that matters.

One of the gifts I received was a book by Joel Osteen- HAHAHAHAHAHA

What can I say??? My last blog questioned Joel Osteen and although I certainly didn't anticipate learning more about him- maybe God has others plans for me & "My Best Life Now"?

I spent New Years Eve and Day with my God Mother. She had also been sick so the evening was far from a rager but it was nice......a mellow evening of Pozole & Bunelos making......that's Mexican food for anyone who's wondering. Some Latin people cook Tamale's for Christmas or New Years and my family definitely has done that, but this year it was all about the Pozole and Bunelos- Yummy!

So today is my first day back to work- Jan. 2nd and I'm still a little sore and have what is hopefully the last bit of congestion going on. I really am tired of being sick. I am not surprised it happened. I am now pretty clear on how stress and anxiety and depression can make you physically sick- I hope to try and avoid such happenings in 2008.