I am trying to get into Law School and I hope to God that I get in, because I am losing the passion for my job and find myself rejecting it despite my desires to always be engaged and working respectfully for this organization that supplies me with a means to pay my bills and survive. I sometimes think I may have no choice in my attitude because I see no hope for me here like I once did- I no longer see my place here....I do not see my future here. This industry used to be my everything. My passion, my love, my good time 4-5 nights a week and that's why i've stayed so long and was happy doing it- but no more....not for long!
What will I do if I don't get into Law School??? I don't know!
So over the weekend I took the LSAT which I had been saying I would for YEARS. I think I said I was going to but never did for so long because I somehow knew I should move on, but I didn't want to. I don't know if you've experienced what it's like when you get to be surrounded by your passion.... flooded by it almost. Well that's the way it's been for me- i've been enveloped by it. It's been my life and my work so much so that I had thought at times if I walked away who would I be?? I was stuck with that question mark. Maybe I should instead have asked my self who could I be?
If you can't relate- honestly you are probably better off. Although I am trying my best to focus on the positive I do now think that some of my time here can be considered a waste. NOT the experiences and NOT those that I helped get to where they are.... even if they don't know it and/or do know it but don't acknowledge it. Everyone's got an ego so no I am NOT seeking or expecting any thanks on my way out the door- I know what I have done here and that's all that really counts and the fact that people aren't looking forward to me leaving- that's a good feeling too!
So with the LSAT behind me now (hopefully I score well enough & won't have to retake it) I am now moving on to the next step of getting my applications in & hopefully i'll be in Law School Fall 08!
In the mean time in order to keep my self positively distracted I look forward to my future. I am still working my job. I plan to champion the projects I love the most and feel satisfied when the day does eventually come for me to leave. I am also concentrating as much as I can on my health (new exercise regime begins today) and intellectual endevours (thinking of teaching myself a new language). I plan to paint and write (words & music), read and develop my relationship with God.
I want to feel satisfied and hopeful again and sometimes it takes bold moves to make such things happen. Sometimes you have to shake up your life to see what you hang onto and see what shakes out of the fold.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Open Letter to My Future Love
Not that it should be a surprise to anyone that women in general have thoughts about the man they hope to one day marry practically from birth. I have secretly just like everyone else and yes "I know" like other women know that this fact does freak men out and so we usually don't speak about it- but men be advised it is in fact the unspoken truth!
Despite my reservations about exposing my own truth I did think it might be nice to state my hopes for us here- as a sort of wish list. You know the kind that some people put together around New Years: A wish list for the following year. #1 Lose so many pounds #2 Take that trip to Ireland #3 Begin that project.....whatever the circumstances that shape individual lists my point is people make wish lists. I was reminded recently that lists keep people focused on what is important to them - what they really want in life. So that leads me back to this open letter because it's you, my love, that I really do want in my life and I do so need to focus on that because up until this point I've kind of been trusting that one day we would just happen upon one another.
I thought all I had to do was be patient and trust that God would send you my way. I was recently reading a blog from someone I admire and it reminded me that I need to set out in the direction of my intended destination. This should have been on the forefront of my mind as one of my strongest beliefs in life is that if you don't make life happen, life will happen to you. It seems in love I have been letting life happen to me. In my attempt to be patient and not appear desperate I have dated haphazardly giving it a go with men (guys, boys) I not so much chose really but more like happened upon.
What is so wrong with that??
I don't know except I haven't found you doing it that way. I want to love you passionately and I want to be loved passionately in return. I want to connect and be understood and to understand and find myself loving you and you loving me in light of and despite that understanding.........but men are a mystery to me! Finding you is with out a doubt the hardest challenge I've attempted in my life.
I did not take the route of so many women who go from boyfriend to boyfriend to boyfriend. I always thought being that open to the possibilities actually translated into slutty behavior in most cases. So I continue alone and that's OK for now, but I don't want isolation the rest of my life. I know you are deliciously intelligent, openly creative, passionate about your integrity and reliably practical and when I say practical I do not mean boring or boxed in to unnecessary boundaries, because we both know boundaries are self imposed and although it can be hard to do- boundaries are movable. We are in control as much in setting them as we are in removing them.
Where are you my love?
Are you younger than me? Are you shorter than me? Are you among these types of guys I usually do not picture myself with? Do I need to be convinced to take a second look? If so I hope your the type of guy who can and will bring about that mind shift for me to truly see you. I am not ignorant enough to presuppose that I am perfect. I maybe keeping you away for the same types of reasons. I hope my olive skin does not stop you from truly seeing me. I hope to also lose a few pounds to make you truly happy with your choice, but it's hard because along with the more slender body comes the constant need to be on edge with men. I hate cat calls and breast stares and it wasn't so long ago that I got them on an irritatingly regular basis.
Why do guys do that?
So here I am trying to search for a my future love in a sea of men that confuse me- would I recognize you if you were right in front of me? I don't know that I would and I'm tortured by that thought. Have we met already?Have we missed our chance? I hope not and I guess if this letter turns out to be anything more than rhetorical- this is where I hope you're not freaked out by my rant! I hope that you care for me despite of myself and my neurotic behavior because that in fact will be the proof that God did answer my prayers and yours too.......and yes I am a dork and so are you so give up the smooches already! ;)
Despite my reservations about exposing my own truth I did think it might be nice to state my hopes for us here- as a sort of wish list. You know the kind that some people put together around New Years: A wish list for the following year. #1 Lose so many pounds #2 Take that trip to Ireland #3 Begin that project.....whatever the circumstances that shape individual lists my point is people make wish lists. I was reminded recently that lists keep people focused on what is important to them - what they really want in life. So that leads me back to this open letter because it's you, my love, that I really do want in my life and I do so need to focus on that because up until this point I've kind of been trusting that one day we would just happen upon one another.
I thought all I had to do was be patient and trust that God would send you my way. I was recently reading a blog from someone I admire and it reminded me that I need to set out in the direction of my intended destination. This should have been on the forefront of my mind as one of my strongest beliefs in life is that if you don't make life happen, life will happen to you. It seems in love I have been letting life happen to me. In my attempt to be patient and not appear desperate I have dated haphazardly giving it a go with men (guys, boys) I not so much chose really but more like happened upon.
What is so wrong with that??
I don't know except I haven't found you doing it that way. I want to love you passionately and I want to be loved passionately in return. I want to connect and be understood and to understand and find myself loving you and you loving me in light of and despite that understanding.........but men are a mystery to me! Finding you is with out a doubt the hardest challenge I've attempted in my life.
I did not take the route of so many women who go from boyfriend to boyfriend to boyfriend. I always thought being that open to the possibilities actually translated into slutty behavior in most cases. So I continue alone and that's OK for now, but I don't want isolation the rest of my life. I know you are deliciously intelligent, openly creative, passionate about your integrity and reliably practical and when I say practical I do not mean boring or boxed in to unnecessary boundaries, because we both know boundaries are self imposed and although it can be hard to do- boundaries are movable. We are in control as much in setting them as we are in removing them.
Where are you my love?
Are you younger than me? Are you shorter than me? Are you among these types of guys I usually do not picture myself with? Do I need to be convinced to take a second look? If so I hope your the type of guy who can and will bring about that mind shift for me to truly see you. I am not ignorant enough to presuppose that I am perfect. I maybe keeping you away for the same types of reasons. I hope my olive skin does not stop you from truly seeing me. I hope to also lose a few pounds to make you truly happy with your choice, but it's hard because along with the more slender body comes the constant need to be on edge with men. I hate cat calls and breast stares and it wasn't so long ago that I got them on an irritatingly regular basis.
Why do guys do that?
So here I am trying to search for a my future love in a sea of men that confuse me- would I recognize you if you were right in front of me? I don't know that I would and I'm tortured by that thought. Have we met already?Have we missed our chance? I hope not and I guess if this letter turns out to be anything more than rhetorical- this is where I hope you're not freaked out by my rant! I hope that you care for me despite of myself and my neurotic behavior because that in fact will be the proof that God did answer my prayers and yours too.......and yes I am a dork and so are you so give up the smooches already! ;)
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