Blue Like Jazz & My decision to know God

I am reading Blue Like Jazz right now. It's really a great read so far! I just finished the part of the book where he gets into how a couple of his friends came to know God. It's really interesting how they had to struggle with it. One girl really had to go kicking and screaming almost, but God persued her until she wore out and gave in to his will. That got me really thinking about my history and my relationship with him and here it is:

A couple of years ago I returned to the church. I say "returned to the church" because I NOW believe that the church was what I was wanting to stay away from NOT God. The first time I wanted to leave the church was when two kids one after the other who I knew in highschool made the very grave decision to kill themselves. I had no idea they were having such a hard time and felt really bad and in some way responsible for not being a closer friend to either of them........ thinking if I had been maybe they wouldn't have done what they did. I was very messed up in the head about it and didn't know how to deal with it. The feelings I had just ate me up inside. I went to my church to pray and talk with the priest. I asked what happened to those that take their own lives hoping to hear that God had mercy on them. Instead he said they go to hell. I was furious! Not sad but angry and I thought it was with God. I thought what the priest said was in fact what God had decided. I thought how horrible an entity to reject those souls so overwhelmed by their own lives and some sort of lack of support from the people in their lives. I now also believe that there is some degree of mental illness associated with taking your own life. Whatever the details I was angry and well on my way to rejecting God.

Many other reasons added to the list and I did eventually stop going to church and not only that..... I also tried to stop believing. I called myself an Atheist for years......but I live in California and when we had a rather large earthquake I found myself praying to God in the middle of all the shaking. That's when I should have realized that no matter how strongly I professed to be an Atheist I wasn't. At the core of me I believed. So I changed into an Agnostic for years until I finally submitted to the will of God and returned to him. What influenced my decision the most has been the most HORRIFIC run of deaths in my life or anyone's life for that matter. No one i've known outside my family has had this many deaths happen like this. My mother's passing this year makes 8 family members since 1999. If you do the math that is one a year. Both my brothers are also among the ones who have passed. It's been the most heart wrenching time of my life and we're all a bit paranoid in my family now. Anyone coughs and we all get nervous these days.

Forced to look at my own belief system because of the loss of my loved ones I have decided that despite all those reasons for rejecting God I don't. I believe my brothers and mother are with God. Despite anyone's thoughts that my brother Daniel is burning in hell for taking his own life I believe God loves him and knew he wasn't in any proper state of mind. God knows Danny's heart and knows he believed in and loves his creator. I believe I will see my brother again in Heaven. I believe my brother Raymond who had Muscular Distrophy will also be waiting for me in Heaven. He suffered so much with his illness here on earth. He lived his own hell on earth and although he said the Devil had a strong hold on him he believed in God and had a few regular praying partners- some Mormons, some Born Again Christians and some friends and family. Whatever faith denomination-- Ray believed as I believe God accepts prayers and it doesn't matter what church you subscribe to. My mother also believed in God and prayed on a very regular basis. She was not perfect and some might say her having 3 children out of wedlock denies her a place in heaven, but she loves God and he knew her heart. I believe he is the only one to judge all earthly action. I believe he forgave her sins as he did my brothers and they all wait for me in heaven. I am not brain washed I don't believe everyone goes to heaven, but I believe and pray that my brothers and mother are waiting for me there.

So yes this is the reason I came back to the church. I came back to church to be closer to God and believe one day I will see my family again. They are in heaven simply because......they believed and that's where I hope to go to be reunited with them. So like the girl in Blue Like Jazz who had stuggled with becoming a Christian. I believe God has persued me and I may be wore out from the struggle but he is with me and i'm trying everyday to accept and live his will.